Understanding Causes of Mom Rage and Taking Back Control

Most people who know me would probably describe me as a quiet and calm person. They might be surprised to hear me talk about a topic like “mom rage”.

But here we go. 

In the last year or so (since having my second child), I have repeatedly had the soul-sucking experience of getting caught in a mom rage storm.

What Does Mom Rage Feel Like?

Mom rage is an overwhelming and explosive anger. It’s like a tornado blasting through your body. You feel like your blood vessels are going to burst as you try to contain your anger. 

For me, mom rage erupts when I am overwhelmed and my kids are tired, grouchy, and acting accordingly. Or, when my kids are testing my limits, over, and over, and over. 

Mom rage is not an official clinical diagnosis, but any mom who has experienced it will tell you that it is very real.

It is a type of anger that is specific to being a mother and tending to small wild children day in and day out.

To add fuel to the fire, a storm of mom rage is almost always followed by intense feelings of guilt.

Even when mom rage is internalized and hidden from children, a mother may still feel guilt for even having had such intense feelings of anger.

And if she did yell at her children in a moment of rage, there is massive guilt surrounding that. She starts to agonize over whether or not she has damaged her relationship with her child.

So that’s mom rage. It is my least favorite part of motherhood. 

What Causes Mom Rage?

Maternal rage is like a parasite that feeds on sleep-deprived moms.

Tired mamas may also be feeling lonely or feel a lack of support from a wider network of friends or family members.

Additionally, mom rage may also be a sign that a mama’s nervous system is fried. Her mental load is at or above capacity. 

Angry moms are overstimulated and/or plain old burnt out.

Mom Rage Triggers

Identifying triggers of mom rage and its underlying causes has been a crucial part of learning to manage my mom rage.

Below are my 4 primary mom rage triggers. 

Please note that I am not a healthcare professional and the following are ways that I manage and prevent my mom rage. For those mamas who experience mom rage, postpartum depression, or other mental health crises that may lead to unsafe situations for you or your children, please seek professional support from emergency services or your healthcare provider. We all need extra help sometimes.

1. Isolation

As a bonafide introvert, being at home in pajamas is my happy place. 

I do not, however, always love being home with my children. This is always when and where my mom rage shows up. 

My children are bursting with energy and are eager to explore the world and interact with others, so being home too much is too confining and isolating for them. This is when they start to get antsy and go looking for trouble. 

It’s worth asking yourself where your mom rage tends to erupt, and then assessing why it happens in that specific setting.

2. Fuzzy Boundaries

My mom rage most often comes out when my kids are crossing a boundary. Sometimes it is a boundary I have set that is not respected, or sometimes it is a boundary that I did not know I needed to set.

3. Exhaustion

Sleep deprivation is a breeding ground for mom rage.

When moms are tired, emotional regulation capabilities are low and emotions are high.

4. Overstimulation

Overstimulation can come in many forms. For example; auditory overstimulation, tactile overstimulation, or visual overstimulation.

For me, auditory overstimulation can set the stage for a bout of mom rage. If you have ever spent an entire day with a constant stream of very loud chatter directed at you, you understand auditory overstimulation.

At some point during a particularly chatty/screamy day, I will hit a point where continued auditory input feels like relentless pinpricks to my brain.

Combine this with having to break up a sibling fight for the 100th time over a pair of plastic binoculars, and you have a recipe for mom rage.

How I Manage My Maternal Anger Triggers

Here are some ways I’m dealing with mom rage. It still pops up from time to time, but I know what I need to do now when it does. Having this list to reference empowers me to take action.

1. Finding Kid-Friendly Community Activities

As a stay-at-home mom, getting out and about in the community with my kids and being around other people may be the greatest factor in keeping my mom rage at bay.

So if I could only focus on 1 thing to manage my mom rage, this would probably be it.

I have noticed that my highly energetic 4-year-old gets grouchy and obstinate on days when we do not have some sort of community involvement. Especially if he is on summer break from preschool.

When we are out and about exploring in our community, he is observing and busy figuring out new things. His energy is diffused into a big space and among many people.

We utilize the following community resources;

• Local public library (they have storytimes, music & movement programs, etc)
• Grow & Learn playgroups (different cities may have their own version of this program)
• Mom meetup groups through local moms’ Facebook group or the Peanut app
• Local Parks and Recs kids’ programs 

You can create your own Parenting Village, even with people you barely know, but who reliably put on public events and kids’ activities.

As strange as it may seem, these are some of the people in my village right now; local librarians, parks and recs staff members, and even the servers at our local bagel shop.

This may sound sad to some people, but this is how I am making the best of our situation and giving my kids a sense of belonging in this big world. A little support in any form can go a long way. 

I am also making connections with other moms whenever possible. I find myself getting other moms’ phone numbers and scheduling meet-ups whenever possible. Even though this is not something that comes naturally to me, I do the best job that I can to give my young children plenty of opportunities to connect with others. 

2. Managing Exhaustion

Getting enough sleep can be challenging at times. Especially if you have little ones who frequently wake in the night. I haven’t slept through the night in many, many years. I still make an effort though to get better sleep.

I have started learning about circadian rhythms, and am making small adjustments to my sleeping and eating schedule for a Mom Circadian Clock Reset.

3. Assessing Boundaries

When I realize that a lot of my 4-year-old’s challenging behaviors are a result of a lack of structure and clear boundaries on my part, I am oddly comforted.

This is because I know that now I can assess where boundaries are lacking and do something about it.

Alternatively, maybe I have set too firm of a boundary that is unreasonable and need to adjust that boundary. 

4. Penciling in Alone Time

Many moms struggling with mom rage may have an unmet need around getting enough personal space. Adults need independent time just like kids. 

Communicating with my partner and scheduling some personal time for myself every week is essential to my mental health and mom rage management. 

So I am working on bringing up this topic every single week with my husband. I try to make sure that we are on the same page and that I can balance family life with my Introverted Mom needs.

So writing a schedule down for quiet time on a calendar helps solidify things. It also makes my husband and I assess any unrealistic expectations we have about how much we can fit into a day or week.  

When I get enough quiet time, I realize that I am not a bad mother, just an overwhelmed one at times.  

5. Enforcing Kids’ Quiet Time

As I have worked on figuring out how to prevent my mom rage, I have gotten serious about implementing quiet time/independent play time at home. This benefits my kids, but it also helps me manage Mom Overstimulation.

If we are home and my 1-year-old is napping, I tell my 4-year-old that it’s quiet time. He can play in his room or be out in the common area if he is quiet. He is often resistant to quiet time, so I usually have to come up with a consequence and tell him it will be implemented if needed.

For my son, a motivating natural consequence for refusing independent playtime in his room is telling him I will bring a couple of his prized toy trucks out to the living room. He is appalled by the idea of his baby sister touching his favorite trucks, so he heads into his room.

Is this the best tactic? I’m not sure, but it is much better than losing my mind or yelling at my kids. So I’ll take it for now. 

I also recently bought my son a train track set to set up in his room to stimulate some open-ended play during quiet time. While I’m always a bit hesitant to add to our ever-growing toy collection, I have found that following some Toy Collection Guidelines has been a great way to support quality independent play for my kids. 

6. Accepting Negative Emotions

Anger is a universal human emotion. Life is not always full of sunshine and rainbows, and parenthood is no exception. Some days are just difficult.

Mom rage can feel particularly isolating because anger is an emotion that many women have been brought up to feel shame around.

Our culture has told us that it’s okay and even admirable for men to be angry, but it’s embarrassing and distasteful for women to be angry and especially to show anger.

While intense anger that leads to uncontrollable behavior is certainly not healthy or okay, experiencing angry feelings is part of being human, for both men and women. 

So after a difficult day where perhaps mom rage got the best of me, I have to remind myself that anger is a normal part of the human spectrum of emotions. 

7. Nourish The Mind-Body Connection

Mom rage can feel like an out-of-body experience. Feeling intensely angry can be a little scary or even shocking. So it’s easy to feel like you are no longer in your own body or like someone else has taken over.

Anything I can do then, to promote a healthy mind-body connection in my day-to-day will allow me to regulate my emotions better during moments of overwhelm.

Or, to recover from an overwhelming bout of mom rage. Without this recovery period, rage festers in the mind and body, and anger outbursts become a regular occurrence.

So often we pick up our phones in spare moments to scroll through social media or browse the internet. What if we took some of that time to tune into our minds and bodies instead?

Simple ways to exercise the mind-body connection and stay in the driver’s seat during high-stress situations include the following;

• Visualization (for example, when you start to get overwhelmed, visualize a beautiful peaceful setting and let that calm your body down).
• Conscious deep breathing (intentionally breathing helps soothe your nervous system. Even taking a few quick conscious deep breaths throughout the day strengthens the mind-body connection)
• Exercise (regular exercise like yoga or walking is a physically and mentally empowering practice that helps build body awareness and mental fortitude)

8. Raise The Vibration

Since my mom rage tends to happen at home when everyone is getting antsy, I am working on raising the general vibe of our home. 

I am always striving to simplify our home and have only what we need and what is beautiful and useful in it. This brings me joy and makes our home more functional and peaceful.

I am also in the middle of a project of putting up framed photos of some favorite moments with my kids. I adore the sweet and loving energy these pictures put out and want to bask in it and my overflowing love for them all of the time.

I have also made a gallery wall across from our kitchen with some inspiring collected artworks, and this just helps me feel generally inspired and joyful. House plants are also some favorite high-vibe home decor items.  

9. Family Meal Planning

Doing dishes, cooking, and grocery shopping never ends. These, among other household chores, are especially time-consuming with little kids in the picture.

They are relentless chores of life so we might as well make them as mindless as possible. While it takes a little work up front, creating a Family Meal Planning system will ultimately minimize the amount of energy you have to spend making daily choices.

This saved energy can then be used to focus on staying on top of mom rage triggers. 

My Mom Rage Journey

As I still experience bouts of mom rage on occasion, I have continued to figure out ways to regulate my emotions and maintain my mental and physical health. Most recently, I wrote another post on mom rage, outlining 5 more new strategies I’m using successfully. Read For The Stay At Home Mom Who Is Angry All The Time: 5 Tips here.