Surviving, Occasionally Thriving & Always Learning
Sometimes the most fun toys are the ones made from the contents of a recycling bin! Three of my toddler’s favorite play activities involve homemade toys made out of scrap cardboard; 1. Toy Car Ramps and Jumps2. Ball Hoops3. Forts And aside from costing nothing, …
Around the time my toddler turned 2 years old, his nap schedule went a little haywire. Just before turning 2, he had a nap regression that lasted a couple of weeks. And now at 25 months old, he is again having trouble settling down for …
Intergenerational family patterns are made up of behaviors, beliefs and family dynamics that are passed down from generation to generation.
These patterns become deeply entrenched within family systems. And in the case of unhealthy patterns, this is problematic because they can be difficult to break. Family members may accept certain patterns as the norm, or they may maintain unhealthy patterns subconsciously. So these unhealthy patterns persist across generations.
As a mother of a 2 year old, I want to examine how my intergenerational family patterns impact my parenting style. I hope that with this awareness, I can break any unhealthy patterns. And likewise, preserve the positive patterns that have been passed down to me. I also hope to contribute new healthy patterns to pass down to my son and subsequent generations.
I like to think that every new generation has the opportunity to be better parents than the previous generation. I may be able to offer my son something my parents weren’t able to offer me. In turn, my son will be able to offer his children (if he chooses to have them) something that I wasn’t able to offer him. And so on and so forth.
With this in mind, I acknowledge that I will never be a perfect parent. But I know that as long as I am striving to work on being a better parent, I am a good enough parent for my child.
One way I am developing a better understanding of my intergenerational family patterns, is to learn more about my parents.
For those of us who still have parents that are alive, we can ask them about their pasts;
The more information I gather about my parents, the more I understand what is/was behind their behaviors, beliefs and our family dynamics. And this makes me feel more compassionate towards any struggles we went/go through as a family. I am then able to extend this growing compassion towards my own child. And do my very best to parent from a place of empathy and consideration.
So the more I learn about my parents, the more I realize how many challenges they overcame, and in turn provided me with far more privilege than they ever had as kids. So I keep this in mind, as I reflect on my parents and my own parenting approaches.
Additionally, the more I reflect on my parents’ patterns, the more I recognize those patterns showing up in myself, both the desirable and less desirable ones. So often we think that we are nothing like our parents, only to realize that we are more similar to them than not.
Another way to learn about personal family patterns is to seek professional mental health services. Individual or family therapists can offer relatively objective perspectives on family dynamics. They point out unhealthy patterns, and help individuals and families break them.
In addition to learning about our family histories or engaging in therapy, we can also go on self-help journeys. We can read books and journal about family dynamics, healthy relationships and developing self-awareness.
Unhealthy family patterns are usually related to boundary violations. Examples of poor boundaries include family dynamics that are centered around manipulation and enmeshment.
Enmeshment in a parent child relationship for example, might be a parent consciously or subconsciously keeping their child from forming a separate identity. And simultaneously, not allowing that child to express his or her own needs. If a child tries to establish a boundary, the parent may apply manipulation tactics to break that boundary. The child may then feel pressured or guilted into maintaining the status quo.
Boundary issues and other unhealthy family patterns among family members may also arise due to mental health issues like mood disorders, substance use disorders or unresolved trauma. In these cases, a struggling family member may not realize the way that their behavior is negatively impacting others. And in turn, others may not understand the extent of that family member’s struggles and feelings of powerlessness.
Just as important as it is to identify unhealthy behaviors and beliefs within a family system, it is also important to identify healthy family dynamics. Healthy family patterns encourage supportiveness and togetherness, while simultaneously encouraging individuation and appropriate boundaries between family members.
There is open communication and respect regarding all family members’ personal boundaries. Family members listen to each other and validate each others’ feelings. Behaviors that accompany those feelings don’t necessarily need to be validated, but there is always acknowledgment and respect for the other family members’ felt experiences.
In the context of parenting, the term ‘boundaries’ is often mistakenly equated with authoritative parenting. When I use the word boundaries though, I am talking about the kinds of frameworks we establish for our children that help them feel safe and supported. The frameworks that help them learn to honor their own personal boundaries, as well as respect those of others.
Below are some examples of different types of boundary patterns that I have found helpful to be aware of when it comes to parenting my child.
Helicopter parents hover over their children and are overly involved, to the point that they stifle their child’s ability to develop independently. Neglectful parenting on the other hand, is when parents do not provide adequate support, either emotionally or physically for their child.
After taking an honest look at where I fall on this spectrum, I realize I am closer to the helicopter parenting end of the spectrum. So to better understand why I am drawn to helicopter parenting and to hopefully change any unhealthy behaviors, I ask myself the following;
(For more on encouraging independence in toddlers, you can check out my posts on How to Create a Toddler Friendly Home and How to Encourage Independent Play)
At the extreme end of the spectrum, a lack of respect for physical boundaries includes any form of physical or sexual abuse. And at the opposite end, may include physical neglect.
While many parents fall nowhere near either end of this spectrum, it is still useful to see what kinds of patterns around physical boundaries exist within your own family. So to do this, I ask myself the following;
Parents have a lot of power to influence their children’s emotional development. For example, children who grow up routinely witnessing outbursts and emotional chaos in their homes, may grow up to model those same behaviors for their children. Or alternatively, grow up feeling that they have to suppress their emotions to avoid the kind of conflict and chaos they experienced growing up.
So I ask myself the following questions;
(For more on the topic of emotional regulation and parenting, you can check out my post on Helping Toddlers Deal with Big Feelings)
ContentsGood Sources of Iron for Babies and Toddlers by Food GroupHigh Iron Meals and Snack IdeasIron Rich Recipes When I started noticing that all of the baby cereals sold in stores had “iron-fortified” written all over them, I started to wonder what was so important …
I love easy toddler breakfast recipes that are simple to prep and nutritious. And this banana chia seed pudding recipe is just that. Plus, I like to eat it too! There are a lot of chia seed pudding recipes out there, but I created this …
‘Parent exhaustion’ is the particular flavor of overwhelm and depletion that comes from meeting the demands of a small child day in and day out (and night in and night out). And when the exhaustion becomes chronic, it leads to parent burnout.
WebMD aptly describes parent burnout as, “a condition in which you’re so exhausted that you feel you have nothing left to give”. And explains that some of the ways parent burnout manifests include the following; brain fog, a short temper, sleep problems, forgetfulness, feelings of isolation, and obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
Yes, yes and yes. I have experienced the above symptoms at various stages throughout my journey as a parent, as I know many other parents have. It takes a lot of work raising a child. There is always something to do, and even the tasks that you’d think would be simple (like brushing teeth or getting a toddler strapped into a car seat) can become daily battles. So combine all those ongoing battles with all of the other responsibilities of life, and it’s the perfect recipe for exhaustion and burnout.
So after a particularly long week last week, I found myself beelining for the couch as soon as my toddler went to sleep for the night. And I sat in front of the tv like a zombie late into the night, with nothing left in me except the ability to bring spoonfuls of ice cream and cookies to my mouth. I also found myself irritable and having trouble sleeping throughout the week.
Reflecting on this state of overwhelm and exhaustion, I realized that I needed to address this issue of parent burnout and come up with some solutions. And not just the generic self-care advice like exercising, sleeping more and eating well. Of course these are helpful and important aspects of managing exhaustion, but I needed something more. I felt the need to revamp and implement some kind of systemic change within my life and home to simplify it, not add another thing to my to-do list.
So after some thought, I realized that embracing a more minimalist lifestyle was my answer. Minimalism is something I have become interested in over the past couple of years, and this recent bout of burnout was a good reminder to continue striving for this lifestyle.
The Minimalists describe minimalism as “…a tool to rid yourself of life’s excess in favor of focusing on what’s important—so you can find happiness, fulfillment, and freedom…”
Minimalism is about making more time and space in your life for the things that truly matter to you. It is about designing a life that fills you up and frees you up. And when we feel fulfilled in life and like we are focusing on the things that matter, we are less likely to reach that state of total parent burnout. We don’t get weighed down and overwhelmed by clutter in our lives.
So in this post, I’ll be sharing the following 3 minimalist practices to help manage parent burnout;
Decluttering the home is one aspect of minimalism that I find helpful to embrace as a parent in order to simplify life. It is about removing those items from our homes and our lives that serve no purpose and/or hold no meaningful value. And by doing this, life becomes lighter. There is less time and energy spent managing all of our stuff.
Additionally, physical clutter is often a manifestation of emotional and mental clutter. So clearing physical clutter can simultaneously be a way to work through emotional clutter that contributes to overwhelm and exhaustion.
Plus, less stuff means more room for my toddler to run, play and burn his enormous amounts of energy. It also means less toys to trip over and pick up at the end of the day. And ultimately, just more time and space for doing the things that are fulfilling and that help prevent parent burnout.
I am also a very visual person, and the aesthetic of a simple home without clutter just makes me happy! So this little happiness boost that my surroundings give me can help balance out any frustration I feel, as I battle with my toddler to get his socks on or clean up a mess for the hundredth time in a day.
Decluttering Tips
Sometimes it’s easy to start decluttering at home, but other times it’s a real challenge. We become emotionally tied to our material possessions and make them mean all sorts of things about ourselves.
To deal with decluttering challenges, I often reflect on a few minimalist questions and ideas. For example, the Millenial Minimalists suggest asking yourself the following when tackling clutter at home;
What is the function of each room in your home, and what do you need to carry out that function? Keep only those things you need to carry out that function.
The function of a bedroom for instance, is all about being in bed. So you need a bed and a relaxing environment. That’s it. The image above is not my bedroom by the way, but I wish it were! We do however, have just a bed, a plant, a painting, and a dog bed in our bedroom.
Even when I can clearly answer the question about what I need in each room though, it’s still hard sometimes (most of the time) to part with a lot of the excess items. So when I come across something that I’m struggling to let go, I ask myself some additional questions. Simple Lionheart Life poses the following questions;
Can I live comfortably without this item?
Would you choose to buy this item again if you didn’t already own it?
I love these questions, because they shift my attention away from my emotional attachment to an object and onto my present reality.
And if I’m still struggling to decide whether to let go of an item, I ask myself a third question;
When I answer this question honestly, I usually realize that the odds and ends in question are not worth my limited time and space. Maybe once upon a time they were useful, but if they have been hiding in a closet for the past year, it’s usually safe to say they can be donated.
You may ask how though, as a busy, overwhelmed and exhausted parent is one supposed to have time to declutter? What I have come to realize though, is that focusing on the time I don’t have, is simply a waste of time. Limited time is just a reality of parenthood. So reframing my perspective is very helpful.
What time do I have? Maybe it’s 10 minutes before bed. Or maybe my child takes a little nap in the middle of the day. Or maybe I build independent playtime into my child’s routine (you can check out my post on How to Encourage Independent Play for more on the topic). Or just maybe, I can skip that late night tv show and free up a chunk of time.
I often have to remind myself that there are plenty of ways to carve out pockets of time for my own projects. Sometimes it just requires a little creativity.
So while there is an initial time investment that goes into decluttering, it ultimately ends up saving a lot of time and energy in the long run (less time spent managing stuff, less time spent cleaning, etc). And we need that reserve of time and energy to play with our kids, feed them, bathe them, chase them and the countless other tasks involved in parenthood.
A specific category of decluttering parents may be interested in is children’s toys. Toys are important and great to have, but they can become a bit much when they are EVERYWHERE.
To manage our toddler’s toy situation, we have implemented a toy rotation system. We made the bookshelf/toy shelf shown in the image above, and these are the only toys we keep out for my toddler downstairs. We have 2 large boxes of toys in a closet though, that we intermittently rotate toys in and out of from this bookshelf.
In addition to the physical and visual clutter that can add to overwhelm, disorganized and inefficient systems at home when it comes to chores and routines can take up a lot of precious time.
So I started to think about how I could simplify and streamline those annoying but essential tasks of daily living like laundry and meal prep, so that I could focus more on having fun with my toddler during the day.
So starting with our pantry, I realized that it was very hard to find food in it. And toddlers are constantly eating (as am I), so it is just annoying to have to comb through the options and decide what to eat.
Everything was thrown on the shelves in disorganized heaps. And we were constantly throwing out and wasting food because we didn’t even know it was in there. Or alternatively, buying more boxes of pasta when we already had 5.
So to prevent these issues, I decided to make food items clearly visible and accessible in the fridge and pantry. I invested in some glass storage jars and put foods we eat on a regular basis in them.
I also got some vegetable storage containers for the fridge. It is so much easier to see what veggies we have when they are not hidden and stuffed away in bags.
This also makes it easier to see when we are running low on certain items. And that means making a grocery list becomes a quick and easy task. And grocery lists are important because long gone are the days of popping into the grocery store every other day and buying an item or two on the go. When a grouchy toddler accompanies you to the grocery store, you want those trips to be few and far between!
Another minimalist tip I have come across is to never stray from your grocery shopping list. I used to peruse the grocery aisles in search of exciting new packaged goods and dips and fancy cheeses, but I’ve stopped doing that for the most part. For one, I don’t have the energy to dawdle in the store. Secondly, those random cookies and spreads usually just end up going to waste because I find out that I don’t like them or I forget about them in the depths of our fridge.
So sticking to a list makes grocery shopping more efficient and helps keep our pantry and fridge organized. Plus, sticking to a list tends to save a bit of money that might otherwise be spent on random items that only look good in the moment.
I am also trying to prepare more meals in bulk. For example, this past week we made a big batch of veggie mix and diced potatoes, and it has been great to be able to quickly throw these ingredients into a burrito for a 1 minute meal during the week.
Another way to streamline meal and snack times with toddlers, is to get them to help out. They are really capable of quite a lot when we let them be. For example, you can set up your kitchen in a way that allows them to get cups and plates out for themselves. It may seem like a small thing, but it’s one less thing for you to do.
You can also consider setting up other areas of your home to be toddler friendly and encourage independence. I offer some ideas on this topic in my post on How to Create a Toddler Friendly Home.
The next area I worked on streamlining was getting dressed and doing laundry in terms of my clothing and my toddler’s clothing (somehow my husband already has his wardrobe pared-down). Paring down my closet is something I have done many times before, but it seems to be an ongoing process.
When it comes to clothing and getting dressed in the morning, I just want to be able to throw something on that is comfortable and simple. And when your toddler hardly gives you 30 seconds to get dressed, simplifying the process is helpful.
Plus, every choice we have to make throughout the day takes energy. So I want to make getting dressed relatively thoughtless and simple for both myself and my toddler. This way I can reserve more energy for the bigger tasks and adventures of the day.
So I like having shirts and pants and sweaters that I can easily mix and match without having to worry if they go together or not. So simple neutral colors and basic designs make up my wardrobe. Below is a picture of all the clothes I have hanging and folded in my closet (aside from pajamas and socks and underwear). And I’m happy to say I wear almost all of them on a regular basis.
And I put clothes that I’m not wearing in the current season (it gets down to 0 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter and up to over a 100 in the summer, hence the need for seasonal clothing) along with special occasion clothes in a couple boxes on the top shelf of my closet. Since those things won’t be worn for at least a few months, I don’t want to have to look at them or sort through them as I’m getting dressed in the morning.
I wish I had a picture of my closet from a few years back to show, because it looks nothing like it does now. Just imagine giant heaps of clothes stuffed into drawers though, and that’s what it looked like. One of the reasons It has taken me so long to get to a manageable place with my closet, is because I have accumulated and kept clothes that don’t really fit my lifestyle. There was always a disparity between the reality of my daily life and what my closet looked like.
So it has been helpful to honestly assess how I spend my days and the clothes I like to wear those days, and just stick to those. Getting dressed becomes very simple this way. And I don’t need to waste time or money buying clothes that don’t fit my needs and reality based preferences.
And in regards to doing laundry, when there aren’t as many clothes, the piles are smaller. They are more manageable, and I don’t feel like I’m drowning in clothes.
As beautifully stated by thelaminimalist, “Do what feels right to you when it feels right to you because #therulesarefake anyways”.
Sometimes we add a lot of mental and physical clutter to our lives, because we are trying to fit into what we think we should be doing or achieving. And for parents, how we think we are supposed to be raising our children.
So we need to stop comparing ourselves to others and stop saying “should” as much. We need to focus on what is truly right for us, because these are the things that keep our cups full and help prevent parent burnout.
This can be hard to do, but it is worth it. For example, I struggled a long time with insecurity about becoming a stay at home mom to raise my currently 2 year old. It is not what 99% of my friends with bustling careers are doing. But it is what feels right for me and my family.
Defining core values is one way to figure out and assess what is right for you. And to help define your personal values, Mind Tools suggests asking yourself a few questions. My favorites include the following;
Identify the times when you were happiest.
Identify the times you were most fulfilled and satisfied.
I like these questions, because they encourage us to find answers that relate to our value system based on our lived experiences. The answers to these questions are not based on fantasies or someone else’s version of our lives. And they provide guidance and clarity as we make choices about how we spend our time and energy going forward.
As Mary Oliver wrote in the last two lines of her poem The Summer Day,
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
– Mary Oliver
We all have a finite time on this Earth and we all have the same 24 hours in a day. And it is up to us to prioritize the things and the relationships that matter most to us and bring us joy and fulfillment.
Parenting young children is a journey filled with love, laughter, and of course, temper tantrums. The toddler years through the preschool years are especially a wild ride. While no parent likes dealing with toddler tantrums, the good news is that there are ways to effectively …
Toddler-friendly homes are curated to give toddlers access to furniture, tools and resources that support their growth and development. Creating a kid friendly home gives toddlers opportunities to do things for themselves. They learn that they are capable. And they become confident in their ability …
This homemade play dough recipe is so simple and provides hours of sensory play for young children!
It takes just a few minutes to mix some simple ingredients, and then a couple of minutes to cook on the stovetop. The result is squishy, colorful, soft playdough!
This playdough lasts for months when stored in an airtight container and you can make all sorts of fun colors. Gather some cookie cutters, mini animal figurines, measuring cups, utensils or any other creative tools from your kitchen drawers that you can use to mash, stamp and cut playdough. Young children come up with all sorts of ways to turn a regular old ball of playdough into a magical world through pretend play!
When I decided I wanted to make some homemade playdough for my toddler, I searched through many different recipes online. I tried a no cook playdough recipe first, but it didn’t turn out so well! The playdough ended up being tough, dry and crumbly, and my toddler was completely disinterested.
I was hesitant to try another recipe after this total diy playdough fail, but I decided to give it another go. And I’m so glad I did! Playdough has become a staple activity in our house ever since. The homemade play dough recipe I share here is adapted from livingwellmom’s recipe.
Flour, salt and canola or vegetable oil are common ingredients most people already have in their cupboards. Cream of tartar and food coloring however, may be ingredients many people have to go out and buy. At least I had to.
These are both very easy and inexpensive ingredients to come by though, so don’t let them stop you from trying out this great recipe! As I found out first hand, trying to take a short cut and use a recipe that doesn’t call for cream of tartar just isn’t worth it. The cream of tartar is what helps gives the dough that perfect playdough squish feel and it’s also a natural preservative and helps keep the dough fresh.
You can grab a small jar of cream of tartar during your next grocery shop for about $3 (it’s usually alongside the spices in the baking aisle).
And food coloring is usually in the same aisle as the cream of tartar and spices. I bought a pack of 4 colors for less than $4.
You can make many balls of playdough with just one small jar of cream of tartar and a single pack of food coloring. So you end up getting the ingredients for a ton of playdough for a fraction of the price of store-bought playdough. Plus it is so fun for kids to be a part of the production process and create their own colors!
Cream of tartar and salt are natural preservatives, so they help this playdough stay fresh for a long time (as long as it is stored in an airtight container)!
We have a few balls of playdough that I made a couple of months ago, and they still look and feel fresh. In an ideal world, I’d make a new batch every 3 months or so. In reality, we have balls of playdough around our house that are older than 3 months and still look and feel just fine.
Like any playdough though, no matter how soft and squishy it is to start out with, it will eventually start to dry out. I use this as a measure of when it’s time to make a new batch (unless my toddler has been playing with it often with greasy grimy little fingers and I’m afraid of what bacteria might be starting to grow in there!).
My toddler has so much fun exploring playdough and it is one of his favorite activities. And as a busy mom, this is good news for me too because setting out a tray of playdough with some tiny animal figurines, cookie cutters and stamping tools is one of the few ways I can get him to play independently.
I set him up with his playdough tray at the kitchen counter or dining room table, and then I am able to get some dishes done or prep some meals. Other reasons to love having a diy playdough recipe in your activity arsenal include the following;
Additional kids’ activities to encourage creative exploration:
Homemade Kinetic Sand Recipe
Free Painting on Wooden Shapes
DIY Cardboard Toys
How did you like this DIY playdough recipe? Say hi and let me know in the comments!
My son loves playing… with people, namely mom and dad. He is constantly begging to play cars, hide and seek, tag, and the myriad of other games he comes up with. While I love that he is so enthusiastic about playing, I do not always …
Because I have a very clingy 2 year old when it comes to unfamiliar social environments, I was prompted to write this post on shyness and how to support shy toddlers. It’s normal for toddlers to be shy. What to Expect explains that this is because they have …
Miscarriage… not a topic I thought I would ever write about. But here we are.
I was completely blindsided both physically and emotionally by my miscarriage. I knew practically nothing about the process, and I felt alone and disoriented. I had never really thought about the question before, “what is a miscarriage like?”.
So I am writing this post, because I wish I had known more. Not that knowing more would have made it any less of a loss, but I think it would have at least helped prepare me in some way. And maybe eased some of my confusion and fears.
I keep wondering why, despite being a relatively common occurrence among pregnant women, we just don’t talk much about the subject in our society. I think we really need to talk more about it.
We need to share more real stories and information about miscarriage. We need to know more about what to expect and how to deal with a miscarriage physically and emotionally. We need to know that the feeling of loss after a miscarriage is valid.
Please note that this post does not offer any medical advice. Everyone has a unique medical situation and this post only reflects my personal experience with miscarriage. It is always best to consult your medical doctor and/or mental health professional.
Prior to a doctor confirming my miscarriage, I had 4 days of off and on light bleeding accompanied by low back pain. I wasn’t sure if there was cause for concern. I started obsessively googling miscarriage symptoms verses normal early pregnancy spotting. Not surprisingly, my findings were inconclusive.
When the bleeding continued, even though light, I realized it was probably time to call the doctor’s office. I called and they told me to come in later that afternoon. If everything was going according to plan, they would confirm that I was 8 weeks pregnant.
I don’t know if it was denial or the fact that early miscarriage symptoms can be deceivingly benign, but I was clinging to the hope that there was still a healthy embryo growing inside of me. In hindsight, I probably should have realized something was wrong.
At the time though, I had no idea that initial miscarriage symptoms could be so subtle. After all, the only thing I knew about miscarriages was what I had seen in the movies; women sitting in puddles of blood or having sudden and severe pain. Not an accurate depiction for most women.
For some women, Verywell Health describes how symptoms can even be delayed for weeks in the case of a ‘missed miscarriage’ (when a fetus has died or is not developing, but pregnancy hormones and symptoms remain). In this scenario, a woman could go to her first routine ultrasound expecting to see her growing baby, only to find out she is no longer pregnant.
Once at my appointment and stripped from the waste down, the doctor performed a vaginal ultrasound. I had a clear view of the screen. The doctor began moving the probe in silence.
There wasn’t much to see. Maybe I just didn’t know what I was looking at? Even my untrained eyes knew though, that there was a vacant uterus displayed on the screen. Just an empty sac and yolk where an embryo was supposed to be growing. After a few more moments of silent probing, she confirmed a miscarriage.
The doctor was kind and gentle as she spoke to me. She said she was sorry this had happened and explained that unfortunately I was part of the 25% of pregnant women who miscarry.
I had what was called a blighted ovum. The Mayo Clinic explains that in this case, an “early embryo never develops or stops developing, is resorbed and leaves an empty gestational sac”. The doctor guessed things stopped developing for me around 5-6 weeks, but that my body was only recognizing it now.
How did my body not know? How did I not know? This left me feeling ashamed. As though I should have known. Did I even have a right to be upset about the loss of such an early pregnancy? Did I do something wrong in those first few weeks to cause a miscarriage?
When I asked if there was any way to know the cause of the miscarriage, the doctor said that tissues could be sent to the lab to look at chromosomes, but that she doesn’t usually recommend it.
The Mayo Clinic explains that the cause of miscarriage is usually unknown. They also state that about 50% of early miscarriages are due to problems with a growing embryo’s chromosomes. And that these problems just happen by chance.
The doctor then explained my options as far as next steps; I could take a medication that would speed up the miscarriage, I could be scraped out with a surgical procedure (dilation and curettage), or I could wait for the the miscarriage to complete naturally.
Verywell Family explains that for most first trimester miscarriages, women will have the option to choose one of the above management methods. In some cases though, a woman may have to have some sort of medical intervention if all of the pregnancy tissue is not expelled naturally.
I decided to let things take their course and naturally miscarry. The doctor explained this was safe for me. She noted my blood type in the case of hemorrhaging (Verywell Family explains that only a small percent of women experience hemorrhaging from a miscarriage) and told me to schedule a follow up in a couple of weeks.
She went on to explain that I should seek emergency care if I was soaking through a pad in thirty minutes. Verywell Family advises against tampon use during a miscarriage due to increased risk of infection.
The doctor said I could expect the miscarriage to complete in 2-4 weeks, and that the bleeding would be like a heavy period and likely accompanied by cramping.
After about a week and a half, I started to have more bleeding and low back pain, just as the doctor said to expect. I was surprised though, because I started having flashbacks to the day I was in labor during my first pregnancy.
What I felt was the same pain I had during labor contractions. Pinpointed and deep in my sacrum. To feel this very distinct pain again, but for my body to be doing the opposite of bringing a child into the world, was very strange and just seemed upside down and cruel.
I was also taken aback when my bleeding started to get heavier. Even though the doctor told me to expect this, I was expecting a “heavy period”; not what appeared to be a period on some serious steroids. And when larger clumps of tissue started coming out… I just stared with wide eyes into the toilet bowl. I never thought that the sight of blood and goop made me queasy until that night.
I hung out by the toilet and questioned whether what I was experiencing was too much blood or a normal amount of blood. It was heavy again the next day, but slowly became less and less over the next week.
And once there was barely any trace left that I had been pregnant, I felt relieved that it was over.
The following are excerpts from parts of previous versions of this post that I wrote during the 2 weeks I was miscarrying.
I feel surprisingly okay. Miscarriages are fairly common in the first trimester and somebody has to represent that 25% statistic.
And apparently, most miscarriages are caused by chromosomal problems that we usually have no control over.
WebMD says my chance of having a second miscarriage is the same as before I had this miscarriage; about 20%. Risk of miscarriage does increase with age though, and certain health conditions. Am I getting too old to have another baby?
For whatever reason, this embryo was not meant to develop further, I can accept that and move on.
I feel so tired. I just want to be bundled in covers in bed all day. And to just be left alone in quiet and stillness.
I want someone to watch my toddler for the day, I want to be a zombie in front of the tv, I just want to take a moment to make sense of everything.
What does this mean going forward? Will we try again? I don’t know if I want to anymore.
This is going painfully slow. Dealing with the ongoing bleeding and bulky pads makes it hard to take a break from it all emotionally.
I wish I had opted to take the medication to speed up the process. Can I still do that? I can understand now why people would go the medication or surgical route.
I don’t feel overwhelmingly devastated, but I also can’t stop thinking about it. It is just hanging over me and I do not feel like myself.
I was so confident that this pregnancy was going to go according to plan. I had even picked out a name and started organizing baby clothes and supplies. I guess this is why people wait to announce a pregnancy… I did not wait this time… I should have.
Why is life just continuing to move so fast? I need a moment.
I am so irritable. I am lashing out at my partner. I am complaining about everyone and everything around me. The word disappointed keeps coming to mind, but it is more than disappointment.
I just need some downtime. I just want things to pause. Why is everyone acting as though it’s all business as usual?
As the bleeding began to subside, those feelings of sadness, denial, confusion and anger seemed to have run their course. For the time being anyways. Now, I mostly find myself in a place of quiet reflection. I acknowledge and accept that this miscarriage was and is a loss for me.
Initially, I would have scoffed at using the word “loss” in association with an early miscarriage. How can you loose something that was never really or barely even there?
In my mind though, I already had another child. I just had to wait a few more months to fully welcome that child into the world. So it feels confusing. But while it is not the kind of tangible loss that people experience when a fully living person has left the world, it is still a loss of its own nature.
Thinking about loss, I am reminded that grief does not necessarily follow a predictable and linear path.
We may feel one way about a loss one day, and an entirely different way another day. And then forget about it entirely some other day. And a loss is a loss.
We are never really done processing and feeling loss. It changes, but it stays with us forever. So the term “loss” isn’t really accurate. Because what we have lost, remains and becomes a part of who we become going forward. Cliche I know, but I feel this so much right now.
Despite wanting time and space alone to process my miscarriage, I also appreciated having support from others. When someone else acknowledged it, that somehow helped give me permission to stop denying the impact it was having on me.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong thing to say to someone in the case of a miscarriage or any other loss. Just the acknowledgment and checking in is the thing that matters (and of course if a woman and her family want to keep a miscarriage private, that is obviously 100% valid and not what I’m referring to here).
Although a miscarriage is an experience I would rather not have had, I am grateful for a few things it has brought to my attention.
I find myself enjoying my time with my toddler with a sort of hyperawareness right now. I’m fully savoring all the sweet and fun moments I have with him in a way that feels new and precious.
And I am reminded that I want to check in with my friends and family more, just to see how they’re doing. Because I know that there are things other than miscarriage that we don’t talk about or ask about.
It is when our struggles are acknowledged, accepted and validated, that we feel free to share our stories. And we really need to hear more stories about our challenges and vulnerabilities as human beings. These stories help us develop greater empathy and understanding; we learn more, we feel more and we heal more. So to anyone who has lost a pregnancy, please know that you have a space here in the comments below to share your story ♡
As a first-time parent, the thought of potty training was always a source of confusion and dread. I had no idea when or how to start. Because I think many parents can relate, I was inspired to write this blog post about our potty training …
During the first year of my child’s life, I told myself that sleep deprivation was normal. And it is, to a certain extent. Night feeds and wake ups are just a part of the initiation process into parenthood. So I did not worry too much …
Like many toddlers, my 18 month old son can be a bit of a picky eater. So I’m always on the search for easy and wholesome toddler friendly meals.
Below is a recipe for one of my tot’s favorite meals; banana veggie pancakes! These are also great to keep in the fridge for a couple of days or to store in the freezer for hectic mornings.
I usually make a double batch of these pancakes so that I can eat a bunch of them too!
After I flip them, I squish them down with the spatula to make sure they cook all the way through.
I have tried using both all-purpose wheat flour and gluten free flour, and both work great. I like using Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free 1:1 Baking Flour, and use the same amount of gf flour as I would all-purpose flour.
And when my son was a baby and very young toddler, I used iron-fortified oat baby cereal in these pancakes. See Good Sources of Iron for Babies and Toddlers to learn about the importance of iron for growing minds and bodies. As my son has grown into a toddler and is getting his iron from other food sources, I just use regular flour now.
I have found that the amount of flour I use depends on the type of flour, as well as the type of vegetable I am using. Zucchini has more water content than carrot, so I use more flour if I’m using zucchini to thicken the batter.
I add the flour last and in small amounts to determine how much the batter needs. You want the consistency to be similar to normal pancake batter, if not a little more on the liquidy side.
So how much flour you add really isn’t an exact science. You can just eyeball it to determine the best batter consistency. My toddler likes these pancakes to be on the thin side, so I use less flour for his pancakes.
The banana and blueberries do a good job of cutting out the bitterness that some kids dislike in vegetables, but if your child is particularly averse to vegetables, you might try making them without any veggies, or with just a tiny bit to start.
Steaming and pureeing the veggies is another great option and makes the veggies fairly undetectable to most kids. It takes a little more prep time than simply shredding some raw veggies, but worth it to get those veggies in!
Pacifiers are wonderful tools to help soothe babies and young toddlers. Some children never take to them, but for those that do, pacifiers become their prized little possessions! At some point though, the question arises, when to stop pacifier use? Sucking is a natural reflex …
Contents Baby Self Weaning Signs Nursing Strike Vs Baby Self Weaning When Can a Baby Switch to Whole Cow’s Milk? Is Self Weaning Normal? Different Weaning Experiences From Real Life Mamas Maternal Feelings About Baby Self Weaning My baby began a gradual process of self-weaning …
There is so much going on in the early days of parenting, that it is easy to forget about taking care of your baby’s teeth. I didn’t even start thinking about my first baby’s oral health until he started eating solid food around 7 months old.
He already had a number of tiny teeth at that point, but his dental care was one of the last things on my mind. So I was inspired to write this post for new parents to provide some practical information about when and how to brush baby teeth.
Please note that this post is based on recommendations from professional associations and other trusted online resources, but parents should discuss their child’s individual dental needs with their pediatrician and dentist.
ABQ Pediatric Dentistry explains that the time to start brushing is as soon as a baby’s first tooth arrives, usually sometime around 6 months of age (this timeline varies of course from baby to baby).
Even before a baby’s first teeth emerge though, the AAPD (American Academy of Pediatrics Dentistry) recommends cleaning a baby’s gums with a soft, clean, damp washcloth or an infant toothbrush with water. And The CDC recommends cleaning gums once in the morning and once before bedtime to prevent bacteria buildup.
I did not wipe either of my two children’s gums with a cloth before their first teeth emerged, but it’s a good idea to know the general recommendation for oral care anyway as something to strive for.
The AAPD also recommends scheduling the first dental visit by your child’s first birthday. While this may be the official recommendation, we did not take our first child to the dentist until he was 3. He had no apparent dental problems and regularly brushed twice a day, so in our case, it seemed fine to wait that long. Plus, we honestly did not think the dentist would even be able to get a look in our son’s mouth before this. At least not without getting a finger chomped on.
As soon as the first baby teeth appear, the ADA (American Dental Association) recommends using a smear of fluoride toothpaste about the size of a grain of rice to brush.
And depending on where you live, your pediatrician may also prescribe fluoride supplements. This was the case for my baby since fluoride is not added to our local public tap water supply.
Your pediatrician may also offer to give your baby a quick fluoride swipe at routine well checks.
Dentistry for Children & Adolescents explains that fluoride plays an important role in preventing tooth decay in children. They explain that mouth bacteria feed on sugars and starches from remaining food after eating and then produce acids.
These acids then break down protective tooth enamel, leaving the inner part of teeth exposed. This is when tooth decay occurs. Fluoride helps prevent decay by strengthening enamel, as well as inhibiting mouth bacteria from producing acid. It also helps remineralize enamel.
I like the fluoride kids’ toothpaste by the Burt’s Bees or Hello brands. If your child is particular about flavors, you may have to try a couple of different types.
Historically, the official recommendation was to use fluoride-free toothpaste on baby teeth until a child turned 2. Today though, the ADA recommends using fluoride toothpaste as soon as baby teeth emerge. And since they recommend using such a tiny smear of toothpaste (a rice grain-sized smear), they say it isn’t harmful if a child swallows it.
As I was considering the ADA’s recommendation on fluoride toothpaste, I wondered why I had heard so much controversy floating around about fluoride. Some say it has detrimental health effects, and others say it is essential for oral health. I never knew the details behind these opposing points of view, so I looked into it.
WebMD states that too much fluoride before the age of 8 can cause fluorosis, but that this is usually just a cosmetic issue (stains and changes to teeth’s surface). They also state that less than 1% of fluorosis cases are considered severe.
The big problem with fluoride occurs when intake is excessive and is ingested from multiple sources; such as drinking fluoridated water, taking supplemental fluoride, and swallowing a lot of fluoride toothpaste.
Healthline explains that problems from excessive fluoride intake usually occur in countries where there are very high levels of fluoride in the drinking water. In these countries, a bone disease called skeletal fluorosis may occur.
Fluoride can be found in the groundwater in these countries at levels greater than 8 ppm. This is double the amount of fluoride that is federally regulated and allowed in drinking water in the US. Healthline says that there is inconclusive evidence regarding other illnesses and their potential link to fluoride.
There are so many different types of toothbrushes marketed for kids out there that it can be hard to know where to begin. What I think is more important than getting too caught up in the specifics of types of toothbrushes, is just making sure you are getting those twice-daily brushings in and being gentle to a child’s gums in the process.
Because every kid is different, there may be some trial and error involved in finding out what type of brush works best for your child.
The Baby Banana toothbrush is a great way to introduce babies to a toothbrush.
I used a silicone finger toothbrush with my first baby and now with my second.The most helpful thing about this brush for me is that I can feel exactly where I am on the teeth and gums. Since I can feel where I am making contact in my baby’s mouth, I know when I have done a thorough brushing.
Silicone finger toothbrushes are also very gentle on sore gums from emerging teeth. Word of warning though, your baby or young toddler may very well bite your finger! Usually not intentionally, but give them and gentle and firm no when they do this.
Dentaly explains another benefit of silicone toothbrushes is that they are nonporous. This means they are easy to clean and they do not have as much bacteria buildup as regular toothbrushes. They are also a more eco-friendly option, since they do not need replaced as often as regular brushes.
As we continue to rely on a silicone toothbrush though, I have wondered if they are less effective than regular bristled toothbrushes. They are so much softer, so do they do as good of a job?
According to a 2019 Romper article, more research is needed on silicone toothbrushes, but reputable sources say that they seem to do as good of a job as regular nylon bristled toothbrushes. These sources come from interviews with AAPD (American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry) leaders and pediatric dentists.
A traditional nylon child’s toothbrush with soft bristles can also be fun for little ones to explore. Even a soft-bristled toothbrush can be a little pokey on sore gums though, but it’s worth trying out a variety of toothbrushes to see what works best for your child.
Even with all the right tools, it can be hard to know exactly how to brush baby teeth. Most parents I talk to say that brushing their babies’ teeth is challenging, if not impossible. There is a lot of squirming, thrashing and general refusal. I would tend to agree, so below are some of the strategies I use to brush my son’s teeth.
I often play Elmo’s Brushy Brush video on my phone as I brush my son’s teeth. It is a fun song and video of Elmo and other adults and young children brushing their teeth.
My son is captivated by it and will sit still long enough for me to get a good brush in. We also use other distraction tactics like books, singing, and toys. We hope that over time he will realize that brushing teeth is just a part of daily life and we won’t need to rely on these distractions. And while this never worked for us, I have heard that holding a handheld mirror up to a baby’s face while brushing can keep them happily occupied while brushing.
I also try to make sure my son is seeing me brush my own teeth regularly. I make a point to show him how I am moving the toothbrush, then spitting and rinsing. Children are naturally inclined to model the behavior they see around them, so this can be an easy way to encourage your child to jump on board with tooth brushing.
Once kids know that something is part of their daily routine, they start to like it or at least find it reassuring. When it comes to learning how to brush baby teeth, there is no substitute for sticking with it and remaining diligent. Instilling this sense of routine around good oral hygiene habits will serve your little ones well as they grow and develop.
After our pediatrician recommended Miralax to treat my 1 year old’s ongoing constipation, I found myself wondering, is Miralax safe for toddlers?
I have been wanting to share my story with new and expecting moms about how I initially struggled with painful breastfeeding.