Shy Toddlers and 5 Ways to Support Their Social Development

As a mom with a shy toddler, I was prompted to write this post on how to support shy toddlers. 

Generally speaking, it can be quite normal for toddlers to be shy. What to Expect explains that toddlers have immature social skills and lack social experience.

For some toddlers, they are additionally genetically predisposed to shyness. Nemours explains that about 20% of people inherit predisposing shyness genes.

So, let’s just acknowledge that for many, shyness and a slow-to-warm temperament are simply part of the human condition.

It’s also necessary to differentiate between ‘shyness’ and ‘social anxiety’. Social Anxiety Institute explains that shyness is a personality trait, whereas social anxiety disorder is a mental health issue. So while a shy child may also have social anxiety, it is not always the case.  

The APA does warn though, that up to 30 to 40% of shy children develop social anxiety. So while there’s nothing wrong with being shy, it’s important to be aware of signs indicating that shyness is turning into social anxiety.

Please note that this post is for informational purposes only. Individual questions and concerns should be directed to a pediatrician or mental health professional.

5 Ways to Support Shy Toddlers

Parents have a lot of power to create a supportive social environment for their children. Here are some ways I am supporting my shy toddler.

1: Decrease Overwhelm in Social Settings

At Parenting Survival shares some great tips on helping shy children. My favorite tip is about setting up social scenarios that will not overwhelm a toddler. Some examples of this include;

• Schedule one on one play dates. One-on-one hangouts or very small groups can feel less overwhelming, plus some children just prefer smaller play groups. This can help a child work on social skills in a manageable setting.
• Get to a party early so your child can see people come in one by one. Being able to get a feel for who is entering the party may feel less overwhelming, versus walking into a loud and crowded room.

2: Model Prosocial Behavior

Toddlers are like little sponges, constantly watching those around them to learn about behavior. Modeling prosocial behavior then, can help them adopt this behavior themselves.

Some examples of what this might look like include; 

• Parents participate in group activities with their toddler (singing, dancing, playing games, etc)
• Parents socialize at parties or small gatherings with their toddler (engage in conversation, help out with food prep, etc)
• Parents run errands with their toddler (eg waiting in line, talking to the grocery store checkout clerk, etc)

3. Support and Encourage Exploration and Independence

The APA recommends backing off a little bit as a parent of a shy child and letting them operate more independently. So while parents want to let their toddlers know that they are available for support, they also want to encourage independence and exploration.

Parents can do this in the following ways;

• Help toddlers build confidence at home first. Let them make choices, teach them how to do simple household tasks, let them practice those tasks independently, and create a safe environment where they can have uninterrupted playtime.  
• If parents see their tots interested in joining in on group play or exploring something on their own, they refrain from interfering.

4. Provide Exposure to a Variety of Social Settings

Parents can expose their toddler to places where people gather (eg the zoo, grocery store, post office, retail stores, restaurants, etc). They can hold their child’s hand the whole time and there is not any pressure to engage with others in these situations.

I have found that with my son, shyness is less about social skills and more about feelings of insecurity. A toddler may have great social skills at home (eg sharing, listening, communicating, etc), but feel so insecure in social settings that they can’t utilize their social skills.

So gentle exposure and letting shy toddlers gain familiarity with social environments outside of the home can help. 

5. Dropping the Shy Child Label

Much of shyness is about self-consciousness, so when a child hears over and over that they are shy, this is a label that may stick with them and make them feel even more self-conscious. It leaves very little room for them to grow and develop.

Even young toddlers who are not talking much can understand a lot! So I do my best to be mindful of using any kind of shyness label for my toddler in conversation with others. I remind myself that I do not need to justify my toddler’s temperament to anyone.

Related:
Ways I’m Helping My Preschooler Make Friends