10 Tips For Parents To Help Struggling Kids Make Friends

Here are the things I am doing as a mom to help my son make friends (I will break down each of these items in detail in the next section).

1. Reading Story Books About Friendship
2. Watching Movies or TV Shows About Friendship
3. Role-Playing Social Interactions
4. Modeling Prosocial Behavior as a Parent
5. Implementing a Brave Chart
6. Setting up Regular Playdates
7. Developing Emotional Awareness
8. Developing Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence
9. Considering Professional Help
10. Celebrating the Small Successes 

When a Child Struggles to Make Friends

Making friends is not always easy. Especially for young children with shy or slow-to-warm temperaments. Or, kids who have simply not had much practice developing their social and friendship skills. Alternatively, certain psychological conditions, such as selective mutism, social anxiety, or autism spectrum disorder can impact a child’s social development.

Whatever the case may be, there is always a way to help our kids. 

As a mom with a preschooler who struggles to talk to other kids and make friends, I worry. Since my son is only 4 years old, I do not want to make too big of a fuss over this; however, I feel like I need to be proactive and help him.

As someone who worked in the mental health field with high-risk kids, I have witnessed the struggles that unchecked mental health issues can cause as kids get older. Or, the mental health issues that can arise when problems are not addressed early on. This is not to say that all kids who struggle to make friends have a mental health concern or will develop one, but it is certainly something to keep in mind.

While I will leave any official diagnoses to practicing professionals, my husband and I are starting to implement some social skills and anxiety management interventions with our son as he navigates his social life.  

Ways I’m Helping My Child Make Friends

We are incorporating the following practices into our daily and weekly routines. While progress may be slow, we celebrate every baby step along the way! This is so important to remember as we are helping our children learn to make friends and/or navigate potential mental health challenges.

1. Reading Children’s Story Books About Friendship

Reading children’s story books about friendship is a great way to start teaching young kids about peer relationships and social cues. It also helps them learn communication skills, as well as build an understanding of the concept of healthy friendships.

For kids who feel anxious and uncertain about making friends, reading story books is a non-threatening way to help them explore the topic. 

Children’s librarians are great resources for finding good books about friendship. They are wizards with search filters and can gather an amazing pile of books for you to take home.

2. Watching Movies or TV Shows About Friendship

Carefully selected movies and tv shows can also be great resources when it comes to teaching young children about social skills and friendship. As you watch prosocial shows with kids, you can point out characters’ feelings, body language cues, and different social experiences.  

For younger kids, Sesame Street is an amazing resource. You can watch free episodes on YouTube on topics like making friends, exploring feelings, and kindness.

You can also find lists of movies and shows online about kids and friendship. Common Sense Media shares a list of kid-friendly movies about friendship that even parents can enjoy!

3. Role-Playing Social Interactions

Role-playing social scenarios helps young children learn social skills. When it comes to young children and role-playing, it’s great to use toys as role-playing characters. Play is a natural language for young children and helps them learn and incorporate new information, ideas, and skills. 

My son loves to role-play social scenarios with small figurines or these cute toilet paper roll people we make at home. We pretend the toilet paper roll people are at the park or school talking to each other and playing.

We give my son simple conversation starters to practice during role play (eg “My name is ___, what’s your name?”).

Simply saying “hi” can be a big step for some kids. Letting them practice first at home in a safe environment will help them when it comes time to make close friends at school.

4. Modeling Prosocial Behavior

Whenever I am out with my son at the grocery store, at social gatherings, or at the park, I am doing my best to model prosocial behavior and healthy relationships. I say hi to new people and chat with them or ask questions. I also talk to my son about how I treat my own friends and what I appreciate about them.

Anytime there are other people around and your child is with you, it is a learning opportunity for them! 

Practicing my own social skills is not always easy for me (no surprise where my son gets his social reticence from), but I do it anyway. I know that my son is always watching me and taking notes. 

5. Implementing a Brave Chart

Kids love stickers and the idea of earning a prize. So a brave chart where kids earn stickers for practicing new skills and moving past their comfort zone is a handy tool.

While external rewards like stickers and prizes are not always the best way to encourage behavior change, sometimes they are the best option.

I started using brave tickets and a brave chart after listening to the Selective Mutism Help podcast and the episode “Exposure ideas For Kids with Selective Mutism”. For any parents dealing with selective mutism or a very shy child, this podcast offers an array of practical tools and tips. 

When my son says “hi” to another kid, he gets a brave sticker to put on his chart. At the end of the week, once the chart is all filled up, he gets a prize (going out for ice cream or a toy, etc). As he gets comfortable with one skill, we move on to the next. Skills and goals will look different for every child, depending on their particular challenges.

6. Having Regular Play Dates

While setting up playdates is admittedly not my favorite thing as a mom, I am doing my best to make them a regular part of our schedule. I try to set up play dates with kids who have similar interests as my son, and whose parents do not mind me floating in and out of adult conversation. I often have to divide my attention between supporting my son so he doesn’t end up in meltdown mode, and being present to chat with parents. 

If your child is in school, you can ask a teacher if they have noticed any kids your child seems drawn to and try to get in touch with that child’s parents. My child’s preschool teacher has been a great resource for cluing us in on our son’s social interactions at school. 

While some parents can sit back and relax during playdates, the reality is that if your young child is having trouble or dealing with anxiety around peers, they could probably really use some extra support. This is not about being an overprotective parent or helicopter mom, it is about recognizing when and how we can help our kids when they are struggling and do not know how to cope. If we can help them early on, they will have the skills to help themselves as they get older. 

Having moved several times within the past 4 years, I have not quite found my community yet. As a result, I often struggle to find other parents and kids to set up playdates with. Even with my limited number of contacts though, I am realizing that there is always someone to reach out to.

I have had luck posting in my local mom’s Facebook group to find play buddies for my son, and have also reached out to parents at my son’s preschool. We have to take the same steps we are asking our kids to take when it comes to reaching out to others, making friends, and being brave!

7. Developing Emotional Awareness

Learning about emotions and helping kids understand their own is an important aspect of good emotional health.

If kids are struggling to make friends and dealing with all of the feelings that come with social isolation, it may be hard for them to talk about those feelings directly. As such, it is important to give them alternative ways to express and explore their feelings. Keeping them bottled up and internalizing feelings will only aggravate anxieties, worries, or hurt feelings. 

You can try out different ways to help your child build emotional awareness and see what sticks. Reading books together and pointing out character’s emotional experiences is one option. Talking about your own feelings as a parent to help kids learn about different emotions is another. You can even use emotion flashcards to help kids build an emotional vocabulary and recognize emotions through facial expressions.

Lastly, my new favorite way to talk with my son about big feelings is to use one of his stuffed animals as a puppet. For some reason, he is far more receptive to sitting down and focusing on a conversation about feelings and solutions with his stuffed monkey than he is directly with me. 

8. Developing Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

Self-esteem is related to how we feel about ourselves, and self-confidence is related to what we think about ourselves. If we can help our kids develop both self-esteem and self-confidence, it will help them as they navigate challenging social situations and new friendships.

In general, we can help our kids develop their self-esteem and self-confidence simply by treating them with respect, love, and kindness. Easier said than done of course when you’re dealing with an obstinate child and you’re a tired and overstimulated mom. Even during these times though, we give our kids unconditional love. 

9. Considering Professional Help

Depending on the circumstances, getting help from a trained professional may be a good idea. 

I go back and forth about seeking professional help for my child. On the one hand, I have concerns about my child being misdiagnosed, and then that label misguidedly sticking with him as he grows up. On the other hand, I know how important early intervention is.

If my son continues to struggle with social interactions with his peers and making friends, even after implementing the above interventions for the next few months, I will certainly start reaching out to the appropriate professionals. A pediatrician or child psychologist is a good place to start for guidance.

Friendship is such a special part of childhood, and I want to give my child opportunities to have magical friendships and find that first best friend.

10. Celebrating Small Successes

It’s easy to notice our kids’ challenges and worry about them as parents. We sometimes forget that taking note of the successes and specialness of our children is incredibly important! Both for our kids and for ourselves as parents. In the same vein, sometimes we realize that what we consider problems, are not problems our kids have, but rather problems we have as parents and what we project onto our kids.

Change does not happen overnight. A struggle and challenge is something that kids (and adults alike) usually overcome slowly and in many small baby steps.

Even when progress is painfully slow and we see our kids having a hard time, we need to remember that any progress is good news. We can and should feel great about this progress, however slow, and celebrate every step along the way. Our kids will pick up on this energy, and it will help propel them forward and lift their spirits.

For more ideas on helping young toddlers navigate social situations, check out Shy Toddlers and 5 Ways to Support Their Social Development. For parents who are wondering about how the COVID-19 pandemic has impacted their young child’s social development, see Pandemic Babies and Their Social Development.

Please share any comments or questions on the topic of helping kids make friends in the comments section below. I would love to hear from you!