My 10 Biggest Struggles As A Stay At Home Mom

My journey as a stay-at-home mom has been full of ups and downs. High-highs and low-lows.

This blog post is about the low-lows. Specifically, the following 10 stay-at-home mom struggles;

1. Loneliness
2. Loss of Identity
3. Overstimulation
4. Always On-Call
5. Feeling a Lack of Accomplishment
6. Self-Comparison
7. Mom Guilt
8. Fatigue
9. Minimal Personal Care
10. Mom Rage

SAHM (stay-at-home mom) life is of course not only made up of these struggles. There are incredible parts too! You can read about those in my post 10 Remarkable Benefits Of Being A Stay At Home Mom.

For this post though, we will stick to the less glamorous aspect of being a stay-at-home mom.

Are Stay-At-Home Moms Happy?

While I know I do important work as a stay-at-home mom, I sometimes feel undervalued and often overwhelmed. Sometimes I even feel like the world has forgotten about me and like I’m barely keeping it together. If I let these feelings build for too long without addressing them, they lead to resentment and insecurity. 

In line with this sentiment, a Gallup article reports that stay-at-home moms are more likely than employed moms to experience negative feelings like sadness and anger. 

There are certainly days that I question my value as a stay-at-home mom, and wonder if both my kids and I would be better off if I were a “working mom”.

My SAHM Journey

I’m glad to say though, that with a few years under my belt (I have a 4-year-old and 1-year-old at the time of writing this post), I’m becoming more confident with my sahm title and learning to deftly navigate the challenges of sahm life.

After my first child was born, I felt completely lost as a sahm. Even though I voluntarily chose the role, I had very little reference for what it meant. 

Every other mom I knew had a career outside of motherhood and had their babies and toddlers in child care. For about two years, I felt deep social shame when it came to being a stay-at-home mom.

After a couple of years though, I began to embrace my role. I started to realize how much I valued my time with my son and all the perks of SAHM life.

Fast forward to the birth of my second child, and only very small traces of SAHM shame still haunt me. My feelings of shame are replaced with feelings of pride and gratitude.

However, while pride and gratitude have become a large part of my experience as a SAHM, new struggles have surfaced. Struggles like mom overstimulation, mom guilt, and mom rage. So let’s dive into those.

10 Struggles Of A Stay At Home Mom

I’m a big believer that people, especially moms, are not made to keep their struggles buried deep down inside of them.

Our struggles are meant to be shared. We share them to unburden ourselves, and we share them to let others know they are not alone.

Being a stay-at-home mother is hard. Let’s talk about it. 

1. Loneliness

Even though I’m around kids all the time, I still experience loneliness. Mostly loneliness for adult conversation and relatability. 

Much to my surprise, it has been difficult for me to find other stay-at-home mom friends to set up playdates with and relate to. This is a subject for a whole other post. 

2.  A Loss Of Identity

It took me a long time to connect with my identity as a full-time stay-at-home mom. I was full of doubt and insecurity that first year or two. I felt like I was supposed to have a “real job”.

Growing up, I imagined myself having a career outside the home. I went to a college preparatory high school, then a small liberal arts college, and then a graduate school program. Working towards a career was ingrained in me from a young age and for a long time.

So when I decided to become a stay-at-home mom, I hardly knew what to think about my new life.

3. Mom Overstimulation

Being around my young children all day means that I am around a lot of noise, mess, and general chaos. I often wonder if my kids are particularly energetic, but I have a feeling this is the vibe in most households with toddlers and preschoolers.

As an introvert, I desperately need quiet time to maintain my morale, but my 4-year-old does not understand this concept. So, I’m struggling and learning Ways To Cope As An Overstimulated Mom.

4. Always On-Call And No Sick Days

While I have never been sick on such a regular basis (hello preschool years), sick days are not what they once were.

Unless you are lucky enough to have grandma or grandpa nearby to take over, you are the child care as a sahm whether you are puking your guts out or fit as a fiddle. No rest for the weary!

To be fair, my husband gives me lots of breaks and has called out sick a couple of times when I’ve been taken down by a nasty flu. Even with a wonderfully supportive and involved husband though, I still feel like being a sahm leaves little room for truly resting when sick.  

5. Feeling a Lack of Accomplishment

Even though raising kids is such hard work and arguably the most important work, I oddly have a feeling of a lack of accomplishment many days.

It’s something about the repetitive and slow nature of many childcare tasks that leads to this feeling. While these repetitive tasks are important, they lack directionality. You know that you will do them again the next day, and the next day, and the next day. 

6. Self-Comparison

Comparing myself to other moms gets to me some days. I know I shouldn’t do it, but when I’m feeling insecure, I can not help it. 

I start asking myself, how do these other moms have it all figured out? How do they wake up so early? How do they stick with their daily routines? How are they so confident? What’s wrong with me?!

(Chances are other moms are also struggling, everyone just puts on their best face in public). 

7. Mom Guilt

Even though stay-at-home moms desperately need time to themselves, they often have difficulty taking that time without feeling guilty. At least I do.

Part of this comes from not getting a paycheck and that tangible confirmation of deserving a break. Sahms work plenty hard though, it’s just not acknowledged in the same way paid work is.

Mom guilt also comes from loving your kids so much and wanting to be there for them, but also really needing and wanting a break! A conundrum of motherhood.

8. Fatigue

Being at home all day with kids is EXHAUSTING. Even on a good day, I’m pretty wiped out by the end of it. Young children are simply demanding. They need a lot.

As such, stay-at-home parents are tired in a way that is different from a long day at the office. Stress levels may be very high, simply due to small children often acting like everything is an emergency. Or, small children are so excited about every little thing that they are quite literally bouncing off the walls. This is a lot to try and keep up with. 

9. Personal Care Is An Afterthought

When I do not need to look presentable like I would going to a paid job, my personal care is put on the back burner. Brushing my hair simply does not make it on the list of priorities. Putting together an outfit that makes me feel great does not even make sense anymore. Why bother sitting down to a meal in the middle of the day?

Here’s a candid picture of what my hair looks like most days. At least I’m brushing my teeth though I guess! BTW, thanks to my hubby for always taking great pictures of me…

I sometimes see reels or pins from sahms, advising other moms to wake up before their children, make a cup of coffee, and get dressed in their best. I do not think this will be a reality for me anytime soon.

For one, my 1-year-old wakes up too early for me to wake up before her. Secondly, I don’t have the desire or energy to pick out a great outfit for the day. Just give me some sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt and we’ll call it good.

10. Mom Rage

Irritability and anger have become familiar feelings for me over the past year. I share details about Mom Rage in a previous post, and it has been my biggest struggle recently. 

Feeling angry at my children, and then at myself, is such a horrible feeling. 

Is Being A Stay-At-Home Mom Worth It?

Despite my struggles as a sahm, I can say with 100% certainty that yes, being a stay-at-home mom is worth it!

Had I found a career that I was absolutely in love with before having children, maybe I would be a paid working mom now. I never found that though, so rather than opting to work for others, I opted to work for my children and my family. 

As far as I can tell, being a stay-at-home mom has been and continues to be the absolute best choice for me and my family; despite the struggles.

As cliche as it may be, struggles provide growth opportunities. And I’m loving the ways that I am growing as both a person and a mother. 

For example, I distinctly remember trying to write a post about what I was struggling with as a stay-at-home mom 3 years ago or so. I was never able to complete my post back then though, because I was too lost. My thoughts were too overwhelming and scattered.

After living nearly 5 years as a stay-at-home mom though, I have sorted through a lot of my heavy thoughts and feelings. I am in a place now where I can share them.

My challenges are not so embarrassing or dark and sinister that they can not be contained in a mom blog post and shared on the World Wide Web.

By sharing our struggles, we strip them of shame and threat. How liberating is that?!

So here is your permission to simultaneously struggle as a SAHM AND adore your life as a SAHM. Our job is a beautiful and complex one.