An Alternative to Losing Yourself in Motherhood

Losing yourself in motherhood is a pretty easy thing to do. Kids have a lot of needs, time moves fast, and life gets busy! Plus, many mamas have little to no support network.

I have lost myself countless times in motherhood. It’s usually somewhere between overwhelm, exhaustion, and overstimulation that I get disoriented and lose touch with myself.

Related: Understanding Mom Rage and Overstimulated Mom Symptoms

In good news, I have found a way to get back on track when I find myself drowning in motherhood.

Here’s my strategy!

Please note that I share my personal experience here as a mother, but that this post is for informational purposes only. Please reach out to a mental health professional or healthcare provider for individual help, questions, and concerns ♡.

My Strategy For Maintaining a Sense of Self in Motherhood

My strategy to stay connected to myself amidst the chaos is all about setting aside some time to evaluate, prioritize, and plan.

I write down all of my family’s needs, including my own, and then choose one for myself and one for each of my kids to prioritize. I also ask my husband what his needs are and what he wants to prioritize. Then, I sit down with my husband, and we make a new schedule and plan to accommodate each person’s prioritized needs.

I also take some time to reflect on my definition of what it means to be a good mom. Not society’s definition or other people’s definition, but my definition. This helps me keep my expectations for myself realistic and healthy.

1. Evaluating Family Needs

Losing yourself in motherhood can be very disorienting. As such, sitting down with a pen and piece of paper and checking in with yourself is a helpful way to start reorienting and reorganizing.

To help organize my thoughts when I’m evaluating my needs and those of my family, I break needs up into four categories.

The four needs categories are as follows;

• social needs
• cognitive needs
• emotional needs
• physical needs

For example, for my five-year-old son, I might write down the following needs;

Emotional needs: Snuggles, quality time with mom and dad, reading books, telling stories, playing, sitting down to dinner as a family.

Physical needs: Proper nutrition, physical outlets for movement and exercise, staying up to date with doctor and dentist appointments. 

Cognitive needs: Enriching experiences, educational opportunities, encouragement around personal interests. 

Social needs: Opportunities to play with peers and develop social skills, opportunities to interact with people from diverse backgrounds.

2. Prioritizing the Most Important Needs

When I look at my family’s table of needs, including my own, I realize that it is simply not realistic for me to fulfill all of the needs all by myself.

So, I choose what I consider to be the most important need for each person, and make a plan around those prioritized needs. I also consider what needs can be outsourced, and what needs can be temporarily sidelined.

When I see everyone’s needs laid out on paper, I realize how unrealistic it is for me to tackle them all, all at once. So, I am learning to accept that some needs may go unmet, and that that’s okay. Perfection is for the birds.

Fortunately, though, focusing on one specific need often has a cascade effect and fulfills other needs as well.

For example, my husband and I just joined a gym for health reasons, but it also benefits our kids when it comes to their social needs. The gym has a great childcare area, so they get to spend more time around their peers and interact with the staff while we get to work out (or in my case, sit in the hot tub).

3. Putting a New Plan and Schedule In Writing

Once the most important needs are identified, it’s time to make a plan.

I sit down with my husband and we reassess our schedules. We figure out a way where everyone is getting at least their most important need met.

This usually turns into a long conversation, and we end up going to bed late that night, but it’s worth it. We both get a chance to air our grievances, share our hopes, and get on the same page.

Redefining What It Means To Be a “Good Mom”

Moms often put a lot of pressure on themselves. I know I do.

Additionally, moms get a lot of messages from society and often friends and family about what they should or should not be doing as mothers.

So I find that I need to remind myself that I’m the one who gets to determine what I need to do to be a good mom. Not a perfect mom, but a good mom.

We do not have to tackle every need we have and that our family has, but we can methodically evaluate and prioritize the most important ones. And we keep doing our best, while accepting that we can’t do it all.

Related: 20 Easy Ways a Stressed Mom Can Find Relief

In many ways, losing yourself in motherhood is the best way to figure out who you are and who you want to be, while leaving plenty of room for beautiful and authentic imperfection. You figure out how to be intentional with your time and prioritize what really matters.

So as much as I hate the feeling of losing myself amidst the chaos that comes with raising small children, I love that I am learning how to become more resilient and intentional every day because of motherhood.