Book Review and Summary: Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff

In her book Hunt, Gather, Parent, Author Michaeleen Doucleff travels around the world to Mayan, Inuit, and Hadzabe villages with her young daughter. She learns about the parenting practices of these cultures and shares her findings along with some practical parenting tips.

Doucleff explains how the parenting practices from these ancient cultures help produce helpful, confident, and conscientious kids. Additionally, these cultures produce calm and productive parents!

Count me in!

After reading Hunt, Gather, Parent and implementing some of Doucleff’s parenting tips with my two young kids, I thought I had found the holy grail of parenting books. I was pumped.

I had been struggling with mom rage and mom overstimulation since my second child was born and was desperate for some clear and sound parenting advice.

The first week of implementing Doucleff’s parenting tips produced amazing results. My kids seemed more content, I was calmer, and I enjoyed spending time with them in a way I had not in far too long.

Because I had been struggling with issues like mom rage and mom overstimulation, I put Doucleff’s book on a pedestal and thought it just might be the solution to all my problems.

The Holy Grail Of Parenting Books?

After a few days of magical parenting though, I found myself falling back into a familiar state of frustration and overwhelm. Excuse me? What happened to my new parenting persona?

Did I need to read through the book again? Was it just my impending period and PMS symptoms taking over? Had the novelty of my new approach simply worn off for both me and my children?

Perhaps the magic of that first week wore off due to all of the above. Whatever the case may be, I realize I must remind myself that there is no magic bullet when it comes to parenting.

Parenting is complex. It is a labor of love. I find myself constantly evolving, devolving, and evolving all over again. As soon as I think I have one thing figured out, my kids have moved onto the next phase of their development, and it’s back to the drawing board.

With this in mind, I still think Doucleff’s book Hunt, Gather, Parent has some wonderful insights and practical tips. While it is sadly not the holy grail of parenting books I initially thought it was, there is still a lot of value I took away from it.

My Favorite Takeaways From “Hunt, Gather, Parent”

I’ll be sharing some of my favorite takeaways from Michaeleen Doucleff’s book Hunt, Gather Parent. I’ll also discuss how I’m putting these takeaways into practice, and what’s working (and what’s not).

Parents who want to fully appreciate Doucleff’s work have to read it for themselves obviously, but here is an abbreviated summary and perspective from a regular old mom. 

Children Love To Help

One of the themes underlying Doucleff’s book is the idea that children love to help and be a contributing part of their families and communities.

Children naturally want to help out with chores and collaborate. When they get unruly, Doucleff explains that they may just need to be given a job to do. Children need to feel like they are an important and contributing part of their family, even very young children. 

After reading this, I started to test this idea out in my own home with my 2 children (currently 1 and 4 years old). I started giving them simple chores to do left and right. To my surprise, they loved helping out and doing chores!

One night after dinner, I gave them some damp clothes to wipe the table down. Little did I know, they were going to proceed to wipe clean the cabinets, the fridge, the dishwasher, and several other items in the house! They were thrilled to be doing this. 

After that, I started giving them more chores and small tasks. I started with things like, “Take this sweatshirt to your bedroom”. Or, “Go throw this in the trash”. I could not believe that 9 out of 10 times, my preschooler and even my 1-year-old happily complied with my requests. 

Not only were my kids screaming less and cruising for trouble less, but they were also being genuinely helpful! So now whenever I see a small job, I invite them to help.

Some of the stories that Doucleff shares about very young kids doing impressive chores and caring for younger siblings in the villages she visited (for example, a five-year-old helping take care of a 6-month-old) have made me reassess what children are capable of. 

I realize that I have not been giving my children enough credit for all that they are capable of and all that they can contribute to our household.

I Do Not Need To Entertain My Children

In Hunt, Gather, Parent Doucleff also writes about this idea of parents not needing to entertain their children. So often I fall into the trap of thinking that I need to map out when and how my kids will play. I think I have to orchestrate some grand Pinterest-level craft activities to keep them happy.

Doucleff on the other hand, explains that parents can simply go about their business, and their children can coexist alongside them. She says getting to join in on parent’s activities, or just inhabit the same physical space as parents as they go about their business is plenty entertaining. Kids can figure out the rest.

I was skeptical about this because some days I cannot even finish emptying the dishwasher without my kids screaming for my attention or me having to break up a sibling fight. As such, I have often resorted to turning on the tv for them when needing to get something done, because I thought it was the only way.

The piece I had been missing, which Doucleff writes about, is this idea of inviting children along. 

So now, when I need to empty the dishwasher and my children are being cheeky little monkeys, I say, “Want to help me put dishes away?”. 

My 1 and 4-year-olds do not always take me up on my offer, but this simple invitation somehow changes their whole vibe. They seem more content to play with each other and keep themselves busy until I’m done. Or, they do come over and help.

Honoring Togetherness

Historically, I have thought about my activities as very different from my kids’ activities. What if we did our activities together? What if there was no delineation between what my kids wanted to do versus what I wanted to do (at least some of the time)? 

Doucleff explains that this idea of doing things together is a big one in the villages she visited. Kids and parents are not necessarily doing the same thing, but they coexist in the same space and around the parents’ daily activities.

While I still feel like there are a million things that I simply cannot do with my kids around, I am trying to shift my perspective. I can take them on boring errands with me. I can do chores around the house as they help me or play. I can go outside and do some yard work while they look for little rocks and bugs. I can even work on my art projects while they draw or create their craft projects. 

Being Tender With Children

One of my favorite parts of Hunt, Gather, Parent is Doucleff’s discussion on tenderness. She describes how a mother in one of the villages she visited was incredibly tender with her child when that child was distressed or frustrated.

Doucleff describes how this parent embraces the fact that her child is still developing emotionally and cognitively, and simply can not regulate emotions the same way an adult can. There’s no point in yelling at a child to change the way they feel.

Doucleff describes how this mother would speak in almost a whisper and become incredibly tender with her child during tantrums and frustrated moments. She explains that this approach helps kids learn to match their parents’ calm energy as they learn to regulate their emotions.

This is the approach I want to take with my kids. Instead of getting frustrated and angry, I want to get down on their level and speak to them with tenderness. I have been testing this out, and I have not seen amazing results in terms of my kids’ behavior changing, but it does help keep me calm.

Ignoring Naughty Behavior

I found myself smiling as I read Doucleff’s discussion on the idea of ignoring bad behavior. She explains that ignoring behavior communicates a whole lot to a kid, without a parent having to yell, scold, or work themselves up into a frenzy. 

I think about how I have typically responded to naughty behavior and I cringe. Rather than ignoring undesirable behaviors in my kids, I bring a boatload of attention to them. I gasp, yell, bribe, threaten, and negotiate. All exhausting and unpleasant for me, and my kids as well.

So the idea of simply ignoring unpleasant behavior sounds great.

I tried this out at my son’s swim class the other week. He started splashing water up towards me while waiting for his turn in the pool. Rather than walking over to him and telling him to stop, I simply gave him a quick look of disapproval and kept a flat expression while looking past him. I could tell he kept looking at me trying to catch my attention, but I didn’t give him any. Pretty quickly, he stopped splashing. 

I tried this approach with my 1-year-old daughter as well with less success. As she ran away from me manically giggling as I was trying to put a diaper on her, I tried to ignore her antics. I waited patiently and tried to be as boring as possible. She just continued to giggle and run around though, and eventually, I could not help but laugh out loud at her mischievous nature.

So while I never got her to stop running away from me, at least I found myself laughing instead of getting frustrated. 

Not Controlling Children’s Behavior

Nagging my children is one of my least favorite parts of parenting. Doucleff says that parents do not have to try and exert all of this control over their kids though; what a concept.

She talks about how the Hadzabe culture, for example, allows their children great autonomy. They believe that this helps kids learn to navigate problems and become independent.

Doucleff explains that the more we nag and try to control, the more we are teaching our kids to act needy and demanding. Let that sink in. 

One of the greatest triggers of mom overstimulation for me is when my kids are being extra demanding. As I sit and think about this though, I wonder how I have taken a huge part in shaping that demanding behavior. 

When my 4-year-old yells, “Get me water”, I think about how I have trained him to ask for things before trying to do them for himself. My 4-year-old is perfectly capable of getting a cup and getting a glass of water. We have a full cupboard at ground level of cups and dishes, and he can reach our water dispenser. 

So what if I stop trying to control everything my child does or needs? What if I give him the reins to act more self-sufficiently? This will serve my kids well into adulthood.

The Ever-Evolving Journey of Parenthood

Over the past few months, I have written a lot of blog posts about parenting struggles. For example, posts about managing mom stress, mom rage, and mom overstimulation. 

For a moment, I thought Doucleff’s “Hunt, Gather, Parent” book was the ultimate solution to my parenting challenges. 

As it turns out, even after implementing Doucleff’s parenting tips, there are still days that I feel exhausted, exasperated, and overwhelmed; however, I still feel better off for having read Hunt, Gather, Parent.

I am packing away the tips and insights from Doucleff in my ever-growing parenting toolbox.

Every week I find myself growing (and some days falling apart) as a parent, and am embracing parenthood as the best challenge I’ll ever take on in this life. Little by little I feel like I am growing into motherhood.

There is no specific moment in time when I will become a perfect parent, but, I’ll keep on trying my best, reading parenting books, loving my kids, reflecting on my parenting practices, and hoping that that is good enough.

Reference:

Doucleff, M. (2021). Hunt, gather, parent: What ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, helpful little humans. Atria Books.