Tales of A Motherless Mom

Being a motherless mom can make motherhood feel extra lonely.

Becoming a mom without your mom can feel like sailing out on the open ocean without the comfort and safety of a life vest.

There are other crew members and lifeboats on board, but that one life vest you really wish you had, hugging your heart in choppy waters is nowhere to be found.   

Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like if my mom were still alive. My two young kids would have the most loving grandma. My mom would be a core part of our lives. I imagine we would see her every day.

I’m heartbroken that my kids don’t have this and that I don’t have this.

There are countless times I wish I could call my mom on the phone just to say hi. Or have her over on those long, sleep-deprived days with little ones. I think about how much easier and better motherhood would be if my mom were here.

Aside from my husband, my mom would have been my greatest companion and support through these early years of motherhood.

My kids and I have their paternal grandparents and maternal grandpa, whom I am infinitely grateful for, but my mom’s missing presence is a huge un-fillable hole.

The Loss of A Mother

My mom passed from recurring breast cancer when I was 19 years old. I was still very much a child but in the beginning phases of early adulthood. Making this transition without my mom was disorienting. I was lost and adrift.

Life continued on and I went about my business, but it’s only now nearly twenty years later looking back on my first few motherless years that I realize I wasn’t really ok. And perhaps am still not.

I never figured out how to fully process losing my mom, and the sadness that consumed the last part of her life; so I just swept it all out of my mind. I stopped thinking about her. I felt like I had successfully habituated to being a motherless daughter. 

I realize now though, that I never habituated to losing my mom. I swept memories, thoughts, and devastation away, but only to deeper parts of my consciousness. So as I sit here writing this post with unexpected and heavy feelings surfacing, I realize that I miss my mom more than I previously acknowledged.  

Becoming a Motherless Mom

I think that becoming a mom is what has finally allowed me to acknowledge the full-blown heartbreak of losing my own mom too soon.

As my kids continue to grow, I have a feeling that more and more memories of my mother are going to resurface. Even though I was 19 years old when she passed, so many of my memories of her are now fuzzy and feel more like dreams than memories. Lately, though, they are becoming a little sharper and less slippery.

I think they are getting clearer because I need them as a mother myself, and a part of me is calling to them. Being a mom is HARD, and I desperately need to remember the feeling of love and safety that my mom gave me, both for myself and so that I can give it to my kids.

I’m also starting to remember the difficult moments I had with my mom and witnessing her struggles, and reflecting on them now with a softer heart. I think this is because I’m realizing just how hard it is to be a mom, a wife, and an independent person all at once.

I feel the stress and strain of motherhood, and generally existing in this world, and I understand the imperfect moments and her struggles better now. With this understanding comes a new way of looking at and remembering old memories.

So while life as a motherless mom is flawed, becoming a mother is helping me remember my own mom and process my grief in new and healing ways. I see that my mom continues to pass gifts on to me and is present with me, even though she isn’t physically here. 

The Anxiety That Comes With Being a Motherless Mom

Along with reactivated memories, being a motherless mom has also stirred up some major anxiety for me. Every day, I worry about my own kids becoming motherless too soon.

I have never even spent a night away from my 5-year-old or nearly 2-year-old since they were born, so thinking about the possibility of not being here for them permanently is terrifying.

Thinking about them being scared or sad and not being able to be there for them hurts my heart so much and sends me into near panic. 

Lessons From Motherless Motherhood

Instead of continuing to water my deep-seated fears and anxieties though, I am trying to focus on the lessons I have learned and continue to learn from being a motherless mom.

Being a motherless mom makes my intention to live until my kids are well into adulthood very clear to me. I want to be here to protect them, love them, and guide them.

So these days, I’m focusing on how I can tip the scales in my favor in this regard. While I know that I cannot control my fate with 100% certainty, I’m going to do everything I can to stick around for my kids as long as I can.

So here are some of the things I’m focusing on;

• Staying up to date with health appointments (dentist, doctor’s appointments, etc)
• Getting recommended screenings (eg mammograms, pap smears, etc)
• Getting enough sleep
• Eating well
• Taking care of my mental health
• Keeping the big picture in mind
• Not sweating the small stuff
• Have my affairs in order in the event of misfortune (eg living will, assigning guardians, etc)
• Helping my kids form a supportive community around them
• Remembering to harness a spirit of grit and perseverance

To all the other motherless moms, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope motherhood brings great beauty, love, and clarity into your lives. 

Statue in post image made by artist Carol Paulsen