Surviving, Occasionally Thriving & Always Learning
This homemade play dough recipe is so simple and provides hours of sensory play for young children! It takes just a few minutes to mix some simple ingredients, and then a couple of minutes to cook on the stovetop. The result is squishy, colorful, soft …
My son loves playing… with people, namely mom and dad. He is constantly begging to play cars, hide and seek, tag, and the myriad of other games he comes up with. While I love that he is so enthusiastic about playing, I do not always …
Because I have a very clingy 2 year old when it comes to unfamiliar social environments, I was prompted to write this post on shyness and how to support shy toddlers.
It’s normal for toddlers to be shy. What to Expect explains that this is because they have immature social skills and lack social experience. And for some toddlers, they are also genetically predisposed to shyness. Nemours explains that about 20% of people inherit predisposing shyness genes. So, let’s just acknowledge that it is perfectly okay and normal for toddlers to be shy and have a slow to warm up temperament.
And let’s also remember to differentiate between ‘shyness’ and ‘social anxiety’. Social Anxiety Institute explains that shyness is a personality trait, whereas social anxiety disorder is a mental health issue. So while a shy child may also have social anxiety, it is not always the case.
The APA does share though, that up to 30 to 40% of shy children develop social anxiety. So while I see nothing wrong with shyness in and of itself, I am interested in how we as parents can support our shy toddlers, and especially our genetically predisposed shy toddlers, to grow up to feel secure in social situations and confident in their social skills.
We have a lot of power as parents to create a supportive social environment for our children. And for particularly shy toddlers, they may need a little extra support. So here are some ways I am supporting my shy toddler’s social development.
At Parenting Survival shares some great tips on helping shy children. My favorite tip from from her is about setting up social scenarios that will not overwhelm your toddler. Some examples of this include;
Our toddlers are like little sponges who are constantly watching us to learn about behavior. So modeling prosocial behavior can help them adopt this behavior themselves. Some examples of what this might look like include;
The APA recommends backing off a little bit as a parent of a shy child, and letting them operate more independently. So while we want to let our toddlers know that we are available to support them, we also want to encourage their independence and exploration. We can do this in the following ways;
Expose your toddler to places where people gather (eg the zoo, grocery store, post office, retail stores, restaurants, etc). You can hold their hand the whole time and there is not any pressure on their behalf to engage with others in these situations. So it is a very gentle introduction to social settings. They are just becoming familiar with these types of settings while feeling safe.
This one is particularly important, because I think shyness may be less about social skills and more about feelings of insecurity. A toddler may have great social skills at home (eg sharing, listening, communicating, etc), but still feel insecure in social settings and therefore keep those skills hidden. So gentle exposure and letting shy toddlers gain familiarity with social environments outside of the home can help.
Much of shyness is about self-consciousness, so when a child hears over and over that they are shy, this is a label that may stick with them and make them feel even more self-conscious. It leaves very little room for them to grow and develop.
And even young toddlers who are talking much yet can understand a lot! So be mindful of any shyness label you are verbalizing around your toddler. You do not need to justify your toddler’s shyness to anyone with a label.
Miscarriage… not a topic I thought I would ever write about. But here we are. I was completely blindsided both physically and emotionally by my miscarriage. I knew practically nothing about the process, and I felt alone and disoriented. I had never really thought about …
As a first-time parent, the thought of potty training was always a source of confusion and dread. I had no idea when or how to start. Because I think many parents can relate, I was inspired to write this blog post about our potty training …
During the first year of my child’s life, I told myself that sleep deprivation was normal. And it is, to a certain extent. Night feeds and wake ups are just a part of the initiation process into parenthood.
So I did not worry too much that first year about my sleep habits, as I was caught up in the haze of new motherhood and figuring out how to take care of a baby. I assumed I would get back on a regular sleep schedule once my son started sleeping through the night.
When my son finally did start sleeping through the night though, I was surprised to find myself continuing to struggle with falling asleep and staying asleep at night. I did not know that postpartum insomnia was something that many new mothers struggle with. And because I could no longer excuse my poor sleep habits on a frequently waking baby, I realized I had a problem.
I was also starting to feel the toll that long term sleep deprivation was taking on me mentally, physically and emotionally. For anyone who has experienced ongoing sleep problems, I do not need to describe what it feels like. There is a reason keeping someone from sleep is a form of torture!
Was my internal clock permanently disrupted? Were my hormones still shifting? Was I innately wired as a mother to now wake up to the sound of a pin drop? Was I simply not disciplined enough to work out a new sleep schedule? What was going on?
As I began to try and understand why I was having so much trouble sleeping, I came across the term “postpartum insomnia”. Apparently my issue is one that many women encounter after childbirth.
While not an official clinical diagnosis, the term “postpartum insomnia” is used to refer to difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep after childbirth. What to Expect explains that it can either be short term (fewer than 3 months) or long term (3 months plus).
There can be a number of issues that contribute to the development of sleep problems after childbirth.
MichiganMedicine explains that aside from the stress of becoming a parent and taking care of a newborn, sleep problems may develop due to shifting hormones and changes in the brain.
The SleepFoundation discusses how hormones progesterone and melatonin levels drop postpartum, which impacts our ability to sleep.
Additionally, Romper states that the hormone oxytocin increases after childbirth, and that this can cause hyper-arousal and trouble settling down at night.
And adrenaline is another hormone that may come into play when it comes to postpartum insomnia. Romper explains that a new mother’s hyper-vigilance as she learns to care for a new baby can trigger the body’s “flight or fight” response and a release of sleep inhibiting adrenaline. I used to sleep like a log at night. Nothing would wake me. Now I wake up to the slightest sound or movement in a room.
While I do not know all the details of hormonal changes after childbirth, I know that I didn’t feel quite myself for a long time after having my son. Especially with breastfeeding, my mind and body did not feel like they really belonged to me. And I did not get my period until well after a year post-birth, so this indicates to me that my body was still going through a lot of changes.
Sleep problems after childbirth can also be a symptom of postpartum depression and other mood disorders. A medical doctor or mental health therapist can determine whether postpartum insomnia is a symptom of a larger issue.
While I am still having issues with getting enough sleep, I am doing far better ever since I started making a conscious effort to tackle the problem. Just as we help our babies learn to sleep, we also have to retrain ourselves sometimes. Patience and consistency are key.
Keeping a sleep diary can help you gain a better understanding of what is having the biggest impact on your sleep. Here are some ideas of things you may want to track;
While it’s commonsense to have a respectable bedtime if you want to get more sleep, this topic warrants its own header in the context of parenthood. Because as a new parent, having the discipline to go to bed early is easier said than done!
After you have put your baby or toddler to bed, it is easy to luxuriate for an hour or two too many in your “me-time”. And in my case, an hour or two too many watching tv. I have finally come to accept that that extra episode just isn’t worth it.
In addition to maintaining a bedtime as a part of proper sleep hygiene, I am also working on the following;
Even after getting into bed at a decent hour and implementing my sleep hygiene practices, I still sometimes have a hard time falling asleep. So frustrating!
What I found is rarely mentioned on websites discussing sleep hygiene practices, is a discussion about mental health and its impacts on sleep and postpartum insomnia. For example, the Sleep Foundation discusses how depression can make it difficult for people to fall asleep and stay asleep. This is also the case with anxiety. Poor sleep can then exacerbate these mental health issues, and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Particularly in the case of women, trouble sleeping can be a symptom of postpartum depression. And for both men and women, there are new challenges to navigate as a parent that can certainly trigger or lead to mental health challenges.
I have struggled with symptoms of anxiety and depression since I was very young, but have had a more difficult time managing these symptoms since becoming a parent. I think this is because there is less time to do the things I have historically done to manage my symptoms.
So I am now having to get a little more creative and intentional about taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. For me, this means making time to work on my passion projects. This keeps me connected to myself as an individual and also stimulates my mind and creativity. It is hard to make the time for yourself when life gets busy with a child, but it truly is important.
I also try to reach out to friends and family as much as possible. Feelings of isolation can be very real as a new parent, and maintaining a sense of connection with others is vital. Especially if you are feeling blue, it is hard to reach out to someone because you just don’t have the energy or tell yourself you don’t want to see anyone. Do it anyways.
Family, friends and partners are wonderful sources of both emotional and practical support when you’re navigating parenthood and postpartum insomnia.
If an option, partners can also pick up a night feed if you are in the earlier stages of caring for a newborn. If you are doing breastmilk, you can pump before bed and have your partner give a bottle so you can get an extended stretch of sleep.
Good old distraction can be an excellent way to manage issues like worry, anxiety and rumination that are keeping you up and feeding that postpartum insomnia. I sometimes turn on a podcast with earbuds so that my mind isn’t dwelling on my own problems. And if listening to a podcast in bed isn’t enough to distract my busy mind, I will get up and do something until I start to feel sleepy.
Sometimes we need help from a mental health therapist or a medical doctor. We cannot always figure it out on our own and that’s why those professionals exist.
Michigan Medicine explains that if you are having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep for more than a few weeks, then it is a good time to seek professional help. There is a specific modality that some mental health therapists are trained in called CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia). The Sleep Foundation explains that this approach focuses on addressing thoughts and worries that are keeping you up at night, as well as helping with sleep hygiene, relaxation techniques and sleep schedules.
Even if progress is slow as you combat postpartum insomnia, don’t forget to celebrate any small success. If you manage to stick to your bedtime for 3 days in a row, celebrate that. If you fall asleep in less time than usual, celebrate that. If you reach out to a friend when feeling blue, and it helps you feel at peace when you get into bed at night, celebrate that!
Every small step is going to get you closer to where you want to be with your sleep goals. Progress is usually slow and tedious. Celebrating the small successes will keep you motivated along the way.
While I still struggle with postpartum insomnia, I am in a far better place than I was a couple of months ago. By consistently implementing sleep hygiene practices and addressing my mental health, I am slowly moving towards better sleep.
Change is rarely immediate. We must be kind, patient and consistent with ourselves as we are developing new habits. In the same way we practice patience and consistency with our children, we must do the same for ourselves.
Like many toddlers, my 18 month old son can be a bit of a picky eater. So I’m always on the search for easy and wholesome toddler friendly meals. Below is a recipe for one of my tot’s favorite meals; banana veggie pancakes! These are …
Pacifiers are wonderful tools to help soothe babies and young toddlers. Some children never take to them, but for those that do, pacifiers become their prized little possessions! At some point though, the question arises, when to stop pacifier use? Sucking is a natural reflex …
My baby began a gradual process of self-weaning from breastfeeding shortly after 12 months of age. This took me by surprise because I always figured I would be the one to decide when our nursing relationship ended. After all, I had heard stories of nursing mothers who had 4-year-olds still breastfeeding.
I wasn’t planning on breastfeeding for that long, but I was considering nursing my son until he was 2 years old since this is the World Health Organization’s recommendation as well as the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation.
So as my breastfeeding journey was apparently coming to an end, the following questions ran through my mind;
Please note that I am sharing what I have learned on my breastfeeding journey, but that I am not a medical professional and always encourage mamas to speak to their doctor and pediatrician regarding their child’s needs.
Baby Self-Weaning Signs
As it turns out, my son had indeed self-weaned from breastfeeding. And in hindsight, I realized that he had slowly been in the process of weaning over a 1 to 2 month period.
Here is what I noticed and what other mamas may notice when a baby is in the process of gradual weaning;
The first couple of days my baby full out refused to breastfeed, I was certain it was simply a nursing strike that would pass.
After reading up on nursing strikes and ruling one out though, I was left with the realization that my baby had actually self-weaned. Babycenter shares possible reasons for a nursing strike to consider when trying to determine whether a baby is on a nursing strike or is self-weaning;
None of the above applied to my son (except perhaps the reduced milk supply, but I believe this was my body responding to less demand), so I started to accept the fact that he was truly self weaning from breastfeeding.
The CDC explains that children can switch from breastmilk/formula to whole cow’s milk after 12 months of age. 12 months old still seems so little, but developmentally, their bodies can generally process cow’s milk after this time. Note though, that the CDC warns against giving cow’s milk before 12 months because cow’s milk will not meet a younger baby’s nutritional needs and it can cause serious problems with their developing intestines and kidneys.
Another option other than introducing cow’s milk is to pump to prevent a drop of breast milk supply and continue offering breastmilk via bottle or sippy cup.
Continuing to produce breastmilk or switching to plant-based milk may be necessary if a child has a cow’s milk allergy or lactose intolerance. Pregnancy Birth & Baby explains that a cow’s milk allergy or lactose intolerance is very common in young children. The CDC offers some guidance on offering plant-based milks instead of cow’s milk so that a child’s nutritional needs are met. The CDC also recommends speaking to a child’s pediatrician regarding any changes in milk options.
At this point in my motherhood journey, I should know that the term “normal” doesn’t necessarily mean all that much when it comes to babies and toddlers. There are general timelines and milestones of child development, but ultimately babies do things in their own time. And the right time for one baby is not necessarily the right time for another.
The first couple of articles I came across when I searched for “normal self weaning age” seemed to suggest that it is not normal for children to self-wean before 18-24 months. These articles suggested that early weaning isn’t true self weaning, and that there is always something problematic underlying the baby’s refusal to nurse in these cases.
I continued searching for more information though, and ended up coming across other sources telling a different story. I also asked friends what their weaning experiences were like, and what I realized, is that everyone has a different story and timeline. The best time and the right time to wean is whatever time is right for you and/or your baby.
I have friends who all chose to wean their babies at different times or who had babies that self-weaned. Their timelines ranged between 1 year to 3 years old. And my son’s pediatrician said that some children will breastfeed until 3 or 4 if mom and baby are still both on board. So who is to say that there is a single right age.
I love an article by the HuffPost, What The Emotional Journey Of Weaning A Baby Is Really Like that shares a collection of short writings from women about their weaning experiences. These shared experiences vary widely, from child-led weaning, to mothers actively choosing to wean. And from relief and happiness about weaning, to sadness and physical discomfort.
Furthermore, Alphamom explains that it is even possible for babies to self wean before a year old, and she shares her personal experience with the process. There is a long string of comments at the end of her post, with women all sharing their individual and varying experiences that I recommend mothers read if they are feeling insecure about their weaning experiences.
I had a lot of conflicting feelings when I realized my baby had self weaned. It was bittersweet.
While I had a difficult time with Painful Breastfeeding the first couple of months of my son’s life, I eventually got the hang of it and ended up embracing my role as a nursing mother.
So once my son had fully self-weaned, I was confronted with the reality that he was becoming a little independent agent. It was both something to celebrate as he moved into a new developmental stage, as well as something to grieve. I was feeling the pangs of how fast time goes by with a baby.
As I was sorting out my feelings about my baby self weaning, I realized there were some major perks! Without having to be available to breastfeed multiple times during the day, I felt a renewed sense of independence.
I hadn’t felt such bodily autonomy since before my son was born. Or maybe even before being pregnant. And there was less to think about logistically as far as timing feeds and trying to schedule activities outside of the home.
Thinking about the benefits of no longer breastfeeding helped balance out the loss I was feeling; from that literal and figurative attachment I had with my child through breastfeeding. I liked that I could offer him comfort when he would wake up crying in the night. And I liked that during a busy day, we could have a quiet nursing session, and I could just be there with him in those moments. He no longer needed me in this way though, and that was hard to navigate.
Being familiar with signs of self-weaning along with using your mama’s intuition will help you know when your baby is ready to begin a gradual weaning process from breastfeeding. So after ruling out a nursing strike and any underlying issues that may be causing a child to nurse less, there is nothing wrong when a baby over 12 months of age begins to naturally self wean.
Checking in with a pediatrician at the routine 12 month well check appointment is a great way to discuss options regarding breastmilk alternatives. This way, you are ready if and when your child begins the weaning process.
Congratulations to all the mamas who endured the breastfeeding journey and are witnessing their babys’ beautiful growth and development!
Say hi and share your baby self weaning story in the comments below!
Oral Hygiene for Babies and Tots: When to Start Brushing Baby Teeth, With What, and How?!
After our pediatrician recommended Miralax to treat my 1 year old’s ongoing constipation, I found myself wondering, is Miralax safe for toddlers?
I want to share my story with new and expecting moms about painful breastfeeding, because I wish I had known more about it before I started my breastfeeding journey. While not all new moms find breastfeeding painful, there are many who do, and this story is for them.
The first couple months of trying to breastfeed were more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Prior to that first week of breastfeeding, I assumed breastfeeding would happen naturally and easily. And while my baby and I eventually figured it out, it took a couple of months!
While there are a number of challenges that breastfeeding can pose (eg issues with latching, milk supply, etc), for me the issue was that it was painful. My nipples were sore, swollen and cracked those first few weeks.
I dreaded breastfeeding. I felt like a little shark was biting into me every time my baby latched. I would cringe as I did my very best to continue letting him feed.
If this is your particular concern as well, I share specific tools and tactics I used after my second child was born to manage the pain in my post on Nipple Pain When Breastfeeding and How to Manage It.
Because things were not going smoothly, I felt like a horrible failure as a new mother. I distinctly remember this feeling hitting me in full force one night in the hospital just a day or two after my son was born.
I went to take my first shower post birth, and I was really looking forward to it. Showers have always helped me reset and feel refreshed. Unfortunately, as soon as the water hit my chest I felt an electric jolt run through my body. The force and sting of the water hitting my sore nipples brought me to tears.
In that moment, everything felt impossible. There were likely other factors contributing to this feeling (lack of sleep, general physical discomfort, postpartum hormones), but all I could think about was how I was already failing as a mother.
So during my hospital stay post-birth, lactation specialists were frequently visiting my room and offering advice and encouragement. Their tips and tricks on positioning and latch were somewhat helpful, but I was still dealing with ongoing nipple pain. I was feeling demoralized and frustrated.
Some of the nurses watched me breastfeed to make sure my son was latching properly, and they all said he was doing just fine. It didn’t feel fine though, and I started to wonder what was wrong with me since no-one else seemed particularly alarmed by my situation.
A couple of nurses recounted their own experiences with breastfeeding and said that over time my nipples would toughen up. I finally reached a point though, where I didn’t feel like I could continue trying to breastfeed. This felt horrible, but I just couldn’t do it.
I wish I had asked for support from the hospital staff regarding alternatives to breastfeeding or adjustments that could be made, such as pumping or using nipple shields. In my experience, it seemed that this information was never freely offered and that staff are supposed to push a new mother to exclusively breastfeed.
While I understand that there are important benefits for baby in regards to breastfeeding and having breastmilk, I think that there is a need to consider a mother’s mental health and what she is capable of tolerating physically as well. And it is unfortunate that this is not taken into greater consideration at many hospitals.
I think that many new mothers may find themselves feeling quite vulnerable and overwhelmed, and it may be hard to advocate for themselves or know what questions to ask regarding alternatives to breastfeeding.
So when I realized that no one was going to recommend pumping or any alternatives, I just went ahead and asked to rent a hospital pump. And even though pumping was painful, it was manageable and gave me a moment to catch my breath.
I still wanted to get back to breastfeeding at some point though, so I scheduled a lactation appointment for a week after leaving the hospital. Luckily I ended up seeing a lactation nurse, Olga, who had an approach that worked very well for me.
I also bought some formula in case I needed it. I think it can become ingrained in anxious new mothers (at least it was for me) that breastmilk is the only good option. But nourishment is nourishment and that’s what is ultimately most important. Formula is a perfectly good option if you don’t want to or can’t breastfeed or pump either temporarily or indefinitely.
After hearing many of the lactation nurses in the hospital encouraging me to continue to breastfeed despite the pain, I thought that was the only option. After meeting one last lactation nurse though, Olga, she took one look at my nipples and exclaimed they were extremely swollen. She said that I needed to exclusively pump for a couple of weeks so that they could heal. I felt such validation in that moment and was so thankful for her.
Olga and I ended up having a few more sessions together, and by the end I was breastfeeding my baby with minimal pain. Once my nipples started to get less swollen, she helped me plan a schedule to alternate between pumping and breastfeeding until I could leave out the pumping altogether if I wanted.
Olga also gave me a couple of nipple shields, however did not recommend them as a long term solution as they can increase risk for developing mastitis. I did use them though the first few times of breastfeeding again after pumping. And while I think they helped me psychologically more than physically, they were an important tool for me to get back to breastfeeding.
This guidance and gradual return to exclusive breastfeeding was so helpful. Had I continued to try and exclusively breastfeed from the beginning though, I may have given up altogether. Olga also gave me her pro tips on latch that made all the difference as well.
Along with the help of Olga, I had the help of “My Brest Friend” nursing pillow This pillow was a game changer! I stopped using it after about 4 or 5 months as Orson got bigger, but it was absolutely essential for me in the beginning.
I truly do not know if I would have stuck with breastfeeding without the Brest Friend nursing pillow. It made positioning much easier. And when you are spending hours and hours day in and day out (and night in and night out) breastfeeding a newborn, you want to be comfortable and you want it to be easy.
The pillow wraps around your belly, clips closed and provides a nice supportive platform for baby. It is flat and goes right up against your belly, keeping baby snug against you. Other nursing pillows taper down as they hit your belly, which can leave a space for baby to sink down into. This can make it difficult to have a tiny newborn at the right height relative to your nipple for a good latch.
I share this story because I want new mothers to know that they are not alone or failing their babies in any way if they are experiencing breastfeeding challenges.
Since going through my own struggles, I have talked with a number of friends who also had difficulty for various reasons with breastfeeding. It is more common than you think! I found it helpful to hear what they went through and what helped them. Additionally, I was thankful that they were there to listen.
My husband was also an amazing source of support. Bringing me anything I needed while I was breastfeeding and listening and talking with me about what was going on.
There are many ways to nourish our babies that do not involve breastfeeding. There are women who exclusively pump, or use formula, or do a combination of both. Or who breastfeed when they can and pump or use formula the rest of the time. It’s really all about what works best for you and your baby.
For a while I thought that I would be exclusively pumping, and this would have been perfectly fine! Or if I had chosen to do formula for my baby instead, this would have also been fine!
There are so many ways to provide for our babies. Good job to all the mamas and papas for doing what they need to do, how they need to do it.
Related Post: Nipple Pain When Breastfeeding and How to Manage It
Please feel free to share your breastfeeding story in the comments below!